Lately I get a lot of the same comments about my "attitude." It's funny how it's always phrased the same. So it wasn't much of a shocker when this morning in response to an email I got:
"Ed, have you thought about becoming a hermit??
Just you and the horse up in the mountains?"
My first response is why the mountain?? I do my part of mountain activity but I'm ultimately a beach girl. So why is it that I can't be a hermit on a beach? Nice little lobster shack with a pier. No phone, no TV. Just enough beach to ride on and enough Ocean view to cover my horizon. Fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And since I'm a hybrid hermit, instead of the milkman I want the beer man. That's right! I want the beer man to deliver a six pack of beer to my lobster shack every morning.
Now that I'm done spewing uselss information I can just say that my mood ring lately reads as the color BORED. I'm just bored of everything. From the weather to the people who I hang out with. I'm bored of wishy-washy answers. I'm bored of dialing the same numbers. I'm so damn bored that when I answer my phone I've actually run out of things to say. I'm bored of the same faces. I'm bored by my same old thoughts and worries. I'm just not in the mood to play anymore. I'm heading back into my lobster shack where I'm going to lite up a pipe and spend the day counting barnacles on the pier from my rocking chair and wait for the beer man to do his rounds. Bored!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Sleepless
Gawd I'm so exhausted I don't even know where to begin. Today I looked in the mirror and saw 'old'. I'm not even in my mid thirties and I look like I"ve been ridden hard (happens occasionally) and put away wet. At my age women normally take extra good care of themselves with facials and weekly hair appointments. I on the other hand have just enough time to brush my teeth and shower in the morning.
"Aaah. Quit your bitchin'!!" someone I know would say. And he's right! I shouldn't be complainig because I have a full life. However this week I slept an average of four hours a night. Anything you can imagine has happened. I'm on the verge of delirious. We got a snow storm at the end of last week and in the process of doing my good deed of shoveling my driveway I lost my cell phone in a snow bank. I'm pretty sure that the harder I looked for it the deeper I imbedded it in snow and it eventually stopped ringging. I might get lucky and find it before the lawn mower does this spring. And if I'm REALLY lucky it will even work.
I'm doggie sitting for a friend who has a house full of family members. Well I get along better with animals than people so I opted to take on the dog instead of the humans. Despite it being a good doggie I have to say that it's insatiable. I don't know what kind of schedule this four legged thing is used to but I can tell you it is definitely opposite to mine. He'll fall asleep on the couch at 8PM but if you attempt to go to bed shortly thereafter he whines up a storm. You let him out thinking he needs to go to the bathroomm and he just sits in the driveway and looks at the scenery. Worse yet is when I let him out in the wee hours of the morning before going to work and the damn thing ran after a skunk. Luckily for he only got grazed by the skunk smell. Unlucky for me I didn't realize it until I'd come home from work later that day. The damn thing has gotten skunked half a dozen times! I hear that animals learn upon repetition and it normally takes 1000 tries of a comand before the dog gets it. Well...I guess when it comes to skunks he's got a ways to go before he figures out that if it looks like a cat but it's only got two colors, black and white, it's a no go.
I got busted sleep driving today. I was on my way home from work. All I could think of was how in God's name I was going to fit all I needed to get done today and a nap. Suddenly I'm feeling slightly observed. I look out my passenger window to find the smiling face of my good friend Madamme Butterfly. Only she knows how long she'd been staring in my window. I know I wasn't being safe but what to do? The dog awaits his walk after being cooped up in the house all day. And at 2.30PM I have a prior comitment that will most likely keep me out until at least 5PM.
"I've never seen you look so tired." Calvin says to me tonight. I got home and looked in the mirror at raccoon eyes. Then said racoon eyes looked around the house and got to work. Dog needs to be fed. Dishes need to be washed. A load of laundry is in the dryer. I need to shower. Lucky for me dinner is left over soup. And I swear to the Almighty above that if the dog whines that he wants to go out when bed time rolls around, he's on his own.
This is the type of exhaustion that is overwhelming. My mind is processing information but my mouth can't regurgitate it. I'm typing this blog and I'm seeing double. I'm so overly tired I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep due to being used to working on momentum. I haven't been this tired since those days in which I'd run 24 hour marathons for charity. But way back when, it was all in good fun. Way back when...I wan't this old and ragged.
DING! My soup is warm. We'll see if the sleep fairy comes by tonight to dust this ragged body with much needed sleep dust.
"Aaah. Quit your bitchin'!!" someone I know would say. And he's right! I shouldn't be complainig because I have a full life. However this week I slept an average of four hours a night. Anything you can imagine has happened. I'm on the verge of delirious. We got a snow storm at the end of last week and in the process of doing my good deed of shoveling my driveway I lost my cell phone in a snow bank. I'm pretty sure that the harder I looked for it the deeper I imbedded it in snow and it eventually stopped ringging. I might get lucky and find it before the lawn mower does this spring. And if I'm REALLY lucky it will even work.
I'm doggie sitting for a friend who has a house full of family members. Well I get along better with animals than people so I opted to take on the dog instead of the humans. Despite it being a good doggie I have to say that it's insatiable. I don't know what kind of schedule this four legged thing is used to but I can tell you it is definitely opposite to mine. He'll fall asleep on the couch at 8PM but if you attempt to go to bed shortly thereafter he whines up a storm. You let him out thinking he needs to go to the bathroomm and he just sits in the driveway and looks at the scenery. Worse yet is when I let him out in the wee hours of the morning before going to work and the damn thing ran after a skunk. Luckily for he only got grazed by the skunk smell. Unlucky for me I didn't realize it until I'd come home from work later that day. The damn thing has gotten skunked half a dozen times! I hear that animals learn upon repetition and it normally takes 1000 tries of a comand before the dog gets it. Well...I guess when it comes to skunks he's got a ways to go before he figures out that if it looks like a cat but it's only got two colors, black and white, it's a no go.
I got busted sleep driving today. I was on my way home from work. All I could think of was how in God's name I was going to fit all I needed to get done today and a nap. Suddenly I'm feeling slightly observed. I look out my passenger window to find the smiling face of my good friend Madamme Butterfly. Only she knows how long she'd been staring in my window. I know I wasn't being safe but what to do? The dog awaits his walk after being cooped up in the house all day. And at 2.30PM I have a prior comitment that will most likely keep me out until at least 5PM.
"I've never seen you look so tired." Calvin says to me tonight. I got home and looked in the mirror at raccoon eyes. Then said racoon eyes looked around the house and got to work. Dog needs to be fed. Dishes need to be washed. A load of laundry is in the dryer. I need to shower. Lucky for me dinner is left over soup. And I swear to the Almighty above that if the dog whines that he wants to go out when bed time rolls around, he's on his own.
This is the type of exhaustion that is overwhelming. My mind is processing information but my mouth can't regurgitate it. I'm typing this blog and I'm seeing double. I'm so overly tired I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep due to being used to working on momentum. I haven't been this tired since those days in which I'd run 24 hour marathons for charity. But way back when, it was all in good fun. Way back when...I wan't this old and ragged.
DING! My soup is warm. We'll see if the sleep fairy comes by tonight to dust this ragged body with much needed sleep dust.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Time n Money
If I had time, I'd work out twice a day
If I had money, I'd hire a drill sergeant to whip my ass into Sarah Connor shape
If I had time, I'd sleep more than five hours a night
If I had money, I would have a hunky and flamboyant gay man named Agador cheerfully bring me coffee in bed every morning
If I had time, I'd be more careful of what I ingest instead of eating meals on the fly
If I had money, I'd have professional nutritionist/cook prepare me 3 meals a day a-la-Hollywood
If I had time, I'd paint the new piece of kitchen furniture I bought so that I can actually use it
If I had money, I'd have a brand new kitchen furnished with Viking appliances for my nutritionist/cook to use
If I had time, I'd do a little research on upgrading my truck
If I had money, I'd be driving around in a Hummer
If I had time, I'd contact a professional to come and give me an estimate for new windows
If I had money, I'd be waking up in a house with a 360 degree view of the Ocean
If I had time, I'd look into booking my ticket to Europe this summer and not wait until the last minute
If I had money, I'd already be on vacation wriggling my toes in the sand
If I had time, I'd actually make definite plans for St. Patty's day despite not being Irish instead of waiting around for others to tell me what is up
If I had money, I wouldn't be here for St. Patty's and the only green thing on me would be the liquid contained in the glacial glass of margaritas I'm holding or the cemetery of discarded lime remnants from body shots (it's always about Tequila with me isn't it?!)because I certainly wouldn't be alone in this celebration
If I had time, I'd get my tax returns done so I can invest the little money I have and maybe some day retire before I turn 100
If I had money, I wouldn't care because I'd leave all this crap and drama behind and move to a place where the IRS doesn't exist and I see the Ocean at every horizon (is this getting redundant?)
If I had time, I'd look for another job
If I had money, I wouldn't need a job at all
If I had time, I'd call you
If I had money, you'd call me
If I had time, I might give two shits about what others think of me and why suddenly my phone has stopped ringing
If I had money, I could ultimately not give a damn about others and my phone wouldn't stop ringing anyway
If I had time, I'd give my personal life a good once over and make some changes
If I had money, I would take a leap and be done with being the constant fall back girl and just vanish at least for a little while if not a long while
If I had time, I'd sit down and ask all the right questions and expect some adult answers
If I had money, I'd ask ONE easy question ONE time and be done with it
If I had time, I'd blog less in my head and more on my screen
If I had money, I wouldn't have time to blog at all
If I had time, I'd work off some of the upkeep of my furry four legged friend
If I had money, I'd get another furry four legged friend and keep him on my property by the beach where I would ride when I wasn't boating
If I had time, I'd get a dog to keep me company in my adventures
If I had money, Agador would let my companion out when I couldn't be there to do it and nutritionist/cook would be feeding him prime rib
Consequently the elixir to a perfect life encompasses two ingredients - Time and Money. And more than once I've heard someone say that Time IS money. Therefore, if I you have little of one you most likely are lacking in the other as well. And if you are like me, that has pretty much neither of the ingredients, you automatically fall within the category of...shit out of luck.
If I had money, I'd hire a drill sergeant to whip my ass into Sarah Connor shape
If I had time, I'd sleep more than five hours a night
If I had money, I would have a hunky and flamboyant gay man named Agador cheerfully bring me coffee in bed every morning
If I had time, I'd be more careful of what I ingest instead of eating meals on the fly
If I had money, I'd have professional nutritionist/cook prepare me 3 meals a day a-la-Hollywood
If I had time, I'd paint the new piece of kitchen furniture I bought so that I can actually use it
If I had money, I'd have a brand new kitchen furnished with Viking appliances for my nutritionist/cook to use
If I had time, I'd do a little research on upgrading my truck
If I had money, I'd be driving around in a Hummer
If I had time, I'd contact a professional to come and give me an estimate for new windows
If I had money, I'd be waking up in a house with a 360 degree view of the Ocean
If I had time, I'd look into booking my ticket to Europe this summer and not wait until the last minute
If I had money, I'd already be on vacation wriggling my toes in the sand
If I had time, I'd actually make definite plans for St. Patty's day despite not being Irish instead of waiting around for others to tell me what is up
If I had money, I wouldn't be here for St. Patty's and the only green thing on me would be the liquid contained in the glacial glass of margaritas I'm holding or the cemetery of discarded lime remnants from body shots (it's always about Tequila with me isn't it?!)because I certainly wouldn't be alone in this celebration
If I had time, I'd get my tax returns done so I can invest the little money I have and maybe some day retire before I turn 100
If I had money, I wouldn't care because I'd leave all this crap and drama behind and move to a place where the IRS doesn't exist and I see the Ocean at every horizon (is this getting redundant?)
If I had time, I'd look for another job
If I had money, I wouldn't need a job at all
If I had time, I'd call you
If I had money, you'd call me
If I had time, I might give two shits about what others think of me and why suddenly my phone has stopped ringing
If I had money, I could ultimately not give a damn about others and my phone wouldn't stop ringing anyway
If I had time, I'd give my personal life a good once over and make some changes
If I had money, I would take a leap and be done with being the constant fall back girl and just vanish at least for a little while if not a long while
If I had time, I'd sit down and ask all the right questions and expect some adult answers
If I had money, I'd ask ONE easy question ONE time and be done with it
If I had time, I'd blog less in my head and more on my screen
If I had money, I wouldn't have time to blog at all
If I had time, I'd work off some of the upkeep of my furry four legged friend
If I had money, I'd get another furry four legged friend and keep him on my property by the beach where I would ride when I wasn't boating
If I had time, I'd get a dog to keep me company in my adventures
If I had money, Agador would let my companion out when I couldn't be there to do it and nutritionist/cook would be feeding him prime rib
Consequently the elixir to a perfect life encompasses two ingredients - Time and Money. And more than once I've heard someone say that Time IS money. Therefore, if I you have little of one you most likely are lacking in the other as well. And if you are like me, that has pretty much neither of the ingredients, you automatically fall within the category of...shit out of luck.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Imagini
Done on the spur of the moment as I'm watching the clock out of the corner of my eye since my afternoon is quickly ticking away I'm totally amazed by it's accuracy. Except for a few little things that are just a tad off (like....I do care about my house but it's true that I have no time) this is the book of me. So go ahead...flip the pages to the world of Ed. I'm not so bad after all. And when you are done, try your own. You might be surprise and I sure would like to know your results. So ladies and gentlemen...the Book of Ed, come and discover that I'm a Wildcat - courtesy of Bre who discovered it.
Or the old fashioned copy/paste also works:
http://friends.imagini.net/vdna.php?responseUID=73351-d444&srv=iwebcl4
Or the old fashioned copy/paste also works:
http://friends.imagini.net/vdna.php?responseUID=73351-d444&srv=iwebcl4
Sunday, March 11, 2007
CyberSurprise
I can't expect others to "get me" when at times I baffle myself. It's Sunday night and I'm all alone. I have no pooch waiting for me and no one to make dinner for. Normally, after a crazy busy weekend like this one I look forward to some down time but, as I'm picking up my take out, I find myself thinking that it just isn't right for me to be going home to an empty house. Since I have no choice, I figure I should at least try to make the most of it. I lite a few candles, pour myself a glass of wine, turn my waterproof radio on high and hop in the shower to attempt to wash off that feeling of blah. I think I hear my cell phone ringing at some point thought the ring is being drowned out by the sound of the water and Kansas blaring on the radio. It doesn't really matter as it is probably one of two people calling. Both of which I love to death and neither of which I'm in the mood to speak to. One would keep me on the phone forever "catching up" on the week's activities when I don't feel like talking, and the other who just got done playing kissy face in public with his girlfriend totally turning me off calling to tell me he's got plans for dinner or stories of what a busy day he's had.
Since I have no one to share with and I have no choice but to make it me time, I make the most of it and set myself up on my brand new kitchen table. I lay out my favorite take out food, Thai. I pour myself an abundant glass of imported Chianti. I select my sea breeze candle scent as there is nowhere else I'd like to be than on the deck of a boat sipping martinis, but will make do at this point. In the company of a vase of fresh pink roses and some tunes I downloaded I settle in to make the most of my night. I guess when it comes down to it, no one takes better care of me than me.
Just when I think all is lost my home phone begins to ring. It's my brother his brand new Macbook (he has one for every occasion...typical Mac guy) using Skype requesting a video chat (highly recomend this program as it free! Phone calls are free. Video chats are free. You just can't beat free!!!). I hang up the phone, a few clicks of a button and there is his face staring straight at me through my computer. I'm so excited! I haven't seen my brother since Christmas and then suddenly he's sitting across from me and my candle lit dinner at my very own kitchen table that he's never physically seen. Technology is amazing! And then just like in the Sci Fi movies I get a cyber tour of his Manhattan appartment as he walks around it. Here we are, practically worlds apart both sipping wine and shooting the shit as if he were sitting in my living room, that he's never been to. About half a bottle later I'm getting ready to go to bed as he's making plans to go grab dinner with a friend - New York never sleeps. My spirits are lifted, I guess a cyber date for dinner is better than no date at all.
Since I have no one to share with and I have no choice but to make it me time, I make the most of it and set myself up on my brand new kitchen table. I lay out my favorite take out food, Thai. I pour myself an abundant glass of imported Chianti. I select my sea breeze candle scent as there is nowhere else I'd like to be than on the deck of a boat sipping martinis, but will make do at this point. In the company of a vase of fresh pink roses and some tunes I downloaded I settle in to make the most of my night. I guess when it comes down to it, no one takes better care of me than me.
Just when I think all is lost my home phone begins to ring. It's my brother his brand new Macbook (he has one for every occasion...typical Mac guy) using Skype requesting a video chat (highly recomend this program as it free! Phone calls are free. Video chats are free. You just can't beat free!!!). I hang up the phone, a few clicks of a button and there is his face staring straight at me through my computer. I'm so excited! I haven't seen my brother since Christmas and then suddenly he's sitting across from me and my candle lit dinner at my very own kitchen table that he's never physically seen. Technology is amazing! And then just like in the Sci Fi movies I get a cyber tour of his Manhattan appartment as he walks around it. Here we are, practically worlds apart both sipping wine and shooting the shit as if he were sitting in my living room, that he's never been to. About half a bottle later I'm getting ready to go to bed as he's making plans to go grab dinner with a friend - New York never sleeps. My spirits are lifted, I guess a cyber date for dinner is better than no date at all.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Masquerade
Life is nothing but a masquerade. Ever wonder how obvious your superhero costume is?
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: Ed@goyle.com
Subject: favor
Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2007 18:22:48 -0500
Good morning,
I'm asking for a favor. Can you watch my four legged critter Fri after work till
Sunday at 5:00. The Ex was going to but she had a emergency change of plans.
Either way just let me know, thanks Ed!
Calv
From: Ed
To: Calvin@nunya.com
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 5:59 AM
Subject: RE: favor
I sure can! No problem. Just remind me to pick him up after work on Friday as I have a serious case of the "can't remember shit" syndrome lately.
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: Ed@goyle.com
Subject: Re: favor
Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2007 06:02:22 -0500
Sweet! You are an angel! Your the best. I owe you big time.
From: Ed
To: Calvin@nunya.com
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 6:15 AM
Subject: Re: favor
Angel? Careful what you wish for! No you don't owe me anything. I enjoy having four legged critters around. I'd have issues if you were asking me to watch people, like your Ex or her crazy kids. :) Is he out of his cast?
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: Ed
Subject: Re: favor
Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2007 06:39:25 -0500
He's out of the cast and on short leash exercise regimen. Poor little guy.
PS If you weren't "Mari table" I'd send ya flowers! (or wine)
From: ED
To: Calvin@nunya.com
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 6:53 AM
Subject: Re: favor
I accept flowers, wine or beer. :) I am merit able and I sure am not married. I just got hives thinking about it. LOL
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: ED
Subject: Re: favor
Date: Wed, 7 Mar 2007 06:59:52 -0500
That's why I put the M word in quotation marks. Never gonna get married huh?
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: ED
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 7:03 AM
Subject: Re: favor
Never put limits to providence my Grandma used to say. You never know...sometimes even the diehards bite the dust. I've never really made it a goal. I think people can have a relationship w/o being married. Plus who wants someone high maintenance like me? I look nice and easy but I'm not easy to deal with you know.
From: Calvin@nunya.com
To: ED
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007 7:05 AM
Subject: Re: favor
You don't know what high maintenance is. You aren't even close to high maintenance. You are tough out in public and independent and like things your way but... in reality your a closet pussycat.
****
First I'm labeled as 'sensitive', now this! Damn! They are prowling. They are watching. They are on to me! They are on to me! MEOW!!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Sea of Bile
I'm sitting here contemplating weather I should get back in my truck and go home. I don't feel good. How long does it take to get over an incident of food poisoning? It happened well over two months ago and I still occasionally wake up feeling like shit. My doctor said that I have irritated the lining in my stomach and prescribed me 15 days worth of Nexium. Well it didn't work. What now?
I didn't eat dinner last night cuz I was feeling full. I slept through the night and awakened at 2:15AM with one thought in mind, how quickly can I get downstairs to the bathroom for a face to face with porcelain without any mishaps. Truth be told, you actually have to have something in your stomach for it to come back out so that was a wasted trip for sure. Back in bed my alarm has gone off about 4 times and I need to get up. I have no sick time accrued at this point so in reality I can't really be sick - sort of a stupid system if you ask me.
Well, I made it thus far. I'm trying to remain as calm as possible as not to agitate the gastric acids that are wrecking havoc in my stomach. I'm thinking that I probably should eat something but I'm afraid to. I mean, how many times can you discreetly walk quickly to the ladies room in an office without people wondering what the heck you are up to. To eat or not to eat. To hurl or not to hurl. This is the question.
What I want to be doing is nursing my gastrointestinal war curled up under a blanket at home sipping tea and whining. Yes whining cuz I deserved a good whining session. Cuz this repetitive stabbing in my stomach sucks and I want to sit around and eat home made chicken soup and whine about it. Humph! Where is my mom when I need her?? She would understand me. She'd let me whine. She'd make me soup.
Instead, there I see the idiot coworker making his way to my desk. Stack of paper in his hands and a frown on his face. I'm so not in the mood for this. It's barely 5AM. I feel the sea of gastric fluids inflame itself despite my attempt at being nonchalant. Something tells me this is going to be one long day!
I didn't eat dinner last night cuz I was feeling full. I slept through the night and awakened at 2:15AM with one thought in mind, how quickly can I get downstairs to the bathroom for a face to face with porcelain without any mishaps. Truth be told, you actually have to have something in your stomach for it to come back out so that was a wasted trip for sure. Back in bed my alarm has gone off about 4 times and I need to get up. I have no sick time accrued at this point so in reality I can't really be sick - sort of a stupid system if you ask me.
Well, I made it thus far. I'm trying to remain as calm as possible as not to agitate the gastric acids that are wrecking havoc in my stomach. I'm thinking that I probably should eat something but I'm afraid to. I mean, how many times can you discreetly walk quickly to the ladies room in an office without people wondering what the heck you are up to. To eat or not to eat. To hurl or not to hurl. This is the question.
What I want to be doing is nursing my gastrointestinal war curled up under a blanket at home sipping tea and whining. Yes whining cuz I deserved a good whining session. Cuz this repetitive stabbing in my stomach sucks and I want to sit around and eat home made chicken soup and whine about it. Humph! Where is my mom when I need her?? She would understand me. She'd let me whine. She'd make me soup.
Instead, there I see the idiot coworker making his way to my desk. Stack of paper in his hands and a frown on his face. I'm so not in the mood for this. It's barely 5AM. I feel the sea of gastric fluids inflame itself despite my attempt at being nonchalant. Something tells me this is going to be one long day!
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Disney's Fantasia
I try to get to my spinning classes early because despite having to sign up for them the classes fill up fast and you no one wants to ride the bikes in the front row. Plus, not to sound like a 60 yr old but the front row is too close to the speakers and gets too loud. We've already discussed my total dislike for chattery instructors and hooting classes. So picking the right seat is part of the strategy for a nice hour long ride on a stationary bike.
I shoot to get to class about 15 minutes early, pick my ride for the night and wonder around the gym checking out the other classes. I'm always looking for different options to up my cardio work out as running on the treadmill is just too boring. So meandering around the gym has given me a chance to look at a few other classes and I've come to the conclusion that for now I'm going to stick with being a hamster; pedaling fast and going nowhere. What is the point of stepping on and off a block to the beat of music or risk tying your self up in a knot during a hip hop class when the instructors all look like this. Just not an incentive to sweat to death and treat sore muscles the next day if what I'm really doing is unknowingly signing up for the cast of Disney's Fantasia. I'm just vein I think.
I shoot to get to class about 15 minutes early, pick my ride for the night and wonder around the gym checking out the other classes. I'm always looking for different options to up my cardio work out as running on the treadmill is just too boring. So meandering around the gym has given me a chance to look at a few other classes and I've come to the conclusion that for now I'm going to stick with being a hamster; pedaling fast and going nowhere. What is the point of stepping on and off a block to the beat of music or risk tying your self up in a knot during a hip hop class when the instructors all look like this. Just not an incentive to sweat to death and treat sore muscles the next day if what I'm really doing is unknowingly signing up for the cast of Disney's Fantasia. I'm just vein I think.
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