Whooo R.... U???

Email forwards can get a little annoying. Sometimes however they can be somewhat interesting and maybe somewhat enlightening. In the past couple of days I played a fwd game that required the recipient to return the message using one single discriptive word of how they perceive you. Sounds simple enough but when you are tasked with finding that one perfect word to describe someone, it's easier said than done. As for me, I was quite curious to see what would be returned to me from friends and family. Some were quite obvious and within the norm such as: outgoing, fun, dynamic, indipendent, sarcastic, unique. Then there were a few odd ones such as: tequila (never thought of that as an adjective but I do see the connection!) and aglow. Not sure what to make of the word aglow seeing that it evokes images of fireflies and the last time I checked my behind doesn't light up. One that stood out was my mother describing me as effervescent and then proceeding to explain to me why. I guess she failed to register the part of the instructions that requires you to attain yourself to one descriptive word. But heck, it's mom so she's automatically forgiven.

My beloved DQ seemed a bit confused and easily swayed as he went from giving me the stigma of "volumtuous" and subequently calling me a dickhead for pointing out the misnomenclature. I was only wondering if in a bout of dislexia he either meant voluminous: of ample size, extent, or fullness: or voluptuous which means : full of, characterized by, or ministering to indulgence in luxury, pleasure, and sensuous enjoyment. Who knows, maybe I'm a bit of both as I do seem to take up quite a bit of space. He's so funny!

Finally there was the description of 'true'. I didn't quite get it and had to ask. True that I sent the email forward? True that I also replied to my correspondant with her description? True that it's raining outside? What kind of a descritpion is true?? It was none of the above. The answer was surprising and incredibly flattering at the same time;

"Sorry, it's hard to come up with ONE thing that can encompass you. By true I mean you're honest and true to yourself and others. You don't try to be something you're not. i've always admired your many different sides - like how the hell you ended up in this little town with your worldly background, and how you're so tomboyish one minute and in sparkles and sexy the next. You are a wonderful mixture of seemingly contradictions, without hesitation."

A wonderful mixture of seemingly contradictions, without hesitation... - that's me, the Alchemist. Exactly how I feel. I couldn't have put it better myself. It's nice to know that, though few and far between, there are people out there that 'get you.'

Is this love...or am I dreaming???

Among other religions, Islam allows for polygamy but remains very clear in setting a basic rule whereby all wives are to be treated and loved equally. Attraction, admiration, desire, respect and lust are all strong feelings a person may perceive towards another, but can a man really love two women? And when he tells each of them that he loves them, does he mean it? And when he says he means it, is it really so? And if so, why and how is he able to feel the same way for two different people? Because in my book that ain't love.

See, I don't know the answers to these questions because I'm incapable of loving two different people. One may have certain traits that I "looove" and the other is lacking but this is still in the realm of infatuation, attraction, like and lust. It's not love. I don't use the word "love" lightly and I wish others would do the same. The english language is partly to blame. I mean we love our parents, uncles, and siblings. "Love ya" is used for the family pet, the friend and the lover. In most romance languages the feelings of deep affection we nurture for our partners has its own word and it normally translates into some version of "I'm in love with you". It's definitely not the kind of word you'd use when you are getting ready to hang up the phone with your mom.

Here we love everyone and everything. Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned or maybe my cultural differences have finally caught up to me but I've only use the word twice in my short life. How it's perceived by the other person I can't tell you. What I can tell you is that is in this uber americanized and shallow society we currently live in, if I'm being given the "love you" as a pacifier or as a token of pitty I'd rather you didn't say it at all. The newly single (and driving me crazy) Madamme Butterfly is a prime example of the misuse of the word. "How can he say he loves me, but then he's with someone else!" If I had a $1.00 for every time I heard that line or any variation of it I'd be a millionaire. Because, honey he does love you just not in "that" way, not in the way that makes your heart pitter patter. Hence the reason I mostly abstain from saying the evil four letter word.

To me "love you" means that if I was given the choice of one person share heaven and/or hell with, it'd be you. So if it's a space filler at the end of an email or classic closing phrase of a phone call or worse yet a way to clean your conscience well save it for someone else. I don't need the pacifier or the reassurance. I don't want to walk around on cloud 9 to then come crashing down. I don't want to be the 'other person' you say it to just to say it. Moral of the rant is that you just can't love everyone. You shouldn't throw around 'love you' or 'love ya' like a homecoming queen throws candy off a float. Love isn't for everyone so spare the heart ache and if you are going to "love you"...mean it or shut it!!!

A crappy day...brings the meme this way....

So I'm sitting here watching mindless TV with quite the elaborate post mulling in my head. Unfortunately I have no drive to compile it. I've had a rough day that began with finding out that someone was given undeserved credit (see previous post). Then work was slow and uneventful and already in a shitty moodI was forced to use tact with an annoying client when all I wanted to do was give them a piece of my mind. Some people walk this earth thinking things are owed to them. It's disgusting. Grumpiness prevented me from taking my normal nap. The chronic knot in my left shoulder I developed from spending hours writing my thesis flared up to levels that can't be ignored. I allowed a newly single friend into talking me out of the work out I was looking forward to all day and I wish I hadn't. In my defense her insistence is borderline stalking. I understand she is a little lost now that she's single but I-need-my-space. And no, you can't come over and hang out later tonight, I mean I got to get dinner and unwind and get ready for bed. Duh! It's a school night! Only positive thing that happened today was my ride. It was erie warm and windy like a late summer night. My little critter is always happy to see me. As he was lovingly nibbling on my on sleeve we made a deal; if he did what I asked it be a short and sweet ride. He kept his end of the bargain so he got to enjoy some grazing of fresh grass while I finally caught my breath and cleared my mind. So, given the icky day I'm going to have to pass on my serious post and follow in Bre's footsteps. Please forgive me Bre if I follow in your tail. I just don't have the energy to think for myself. So here we go:

As dictated by the rules of the game, I'm to list “5 things you do, did or like that some may consider “totally lame”.

On half a brain I'm not sure I can come up with five, but I'll give it my all.

1. I love watching cartoons. I'm not talking about network cartoons. I'm crazy about the big screen cartoons. Always have been and always will be. On more than one occasion I've been the only adult in the theater as it is obviously difficult to find someone of my age or older to accompany my sorry ass. It doesn't end here. Up until a short time ago when it was brought to my attention that I only kids watch cartoons, I actually collected them as they came out in tape. Yeah so I'm the proud (lame) owner of the likes of The Lion King, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Little Mermaid to name a few. Unfortunately, since my lameness isn't contagious and I haven't found someone to go with me I've passed up on viewing Ratatoie....on the big screen. Thank god for DVDs.

2. I go to bed at 9PM rain or shine. It even happens on most weekends. During the week I really have no choice given the ungodly hour I get up at. But during the weekends I rarely can justify staying up much later than that anyway. Rumor has it lately that I'm not much fun because I don't go out much. Maybe I'm just old and lame but I'd rather be up early and get things done in the daylight than lolligag in the dark.

3. I still use my VCR. That's right. No DVR or Tivo or whatever else is available in hi-tech world. When I'm renting a movie I've upgraded to DVD. But given my previous lameness (see #2) if there is something I absolutely have to see/record my VCR does a good enough job and I can still ffwd past the annoying commercials.

4. When I'm concentrating on stuff I doodle. I doodle on notepads. I doodle on scrap paper. I doodle on post it notes. I doodle on napkins. I've been doodling since high school. I'd sit in class and listen to a lecture and unbeknown st to me, I was doodling. Guess I'm lame but both sides of my brain need to stimulated at the same time for anything to register.

5. I looooove to sing but I'm so bad at it that most of the time I do it under my breath. Rarely will I ever belt out a song unless I'm in utter and complete solitude or I want to scare/annoy someone. I'm so bad at it that when I sing in the shower I risk the hot water shutting off. I'm so off key that in comparison the sound of crows and screeching of seagulls is harmonious. So because I can't sing, I whistle a lot and almost unconsciously. I never really noticed how much I whistle until a few years ago when I called home and my family's nanny said to me "Eddieeeee...when are you coming home? I miss your whistling." I never realized I did it so often it's missed. That's lame!

The rest of the game goes as follows:

Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4 and write what it says.
Seeing that all my books are upstairs I'll go with the magazine I'm reading and it goes: meaning that the Texas legislature would need to enact a new law permitting the slaughter of horses for human consumption before practice could resume.

Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What can you touch?
The leaves of a plant

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Cavemen show....and I'm not impressed

Without looking, guess what time it is.
I would think....8:05

With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The TV, occasional car driving by, leaves rustling and the wind gusting

When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Around 6:45 I brought out the recycling

Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
A recipe

Did you dream last night?
Not that I remember. I must've been too tired to dream.

When did you last laugh?
Earlier on the phone with the DQ

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Wooden hand painted masks I got in the Bahamas, one very large African canvass I just had framed.

Seen anything weird lately?
People in shorts, tank top and flip flops....it's October 20! And a man using a leaf blower on an extremely windy day.

What is the last film you saw?
The Shooter - it was great!

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A small ranch with beach front property (do they even exist?). Another horse. Retirement for my parents. Pay off my brother's penthouse apartment. Frequent flier miles for my mom/dad to come visit anytime they want. A live in maid. An ocean loving man who loves horses and will travel. A round the world trip (a few times) with an extended stay in Bora Bora. Liposuction. A bigger boat and a seamate for a friend.

Tell me something about you that I don’t know?
I love peas. I have green eyes...not blue!

If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do?
Disinterest and apathy in what happens beyond our borders

Comment to President Bush. What hasn’t already been said?
He makes enough of a fool of himself without needing any outside encouragement

Would you ever consider living abroad?
Hummm...duh yeah! I am abroad - remember??

What do you want to say to God when you get to heaven?
...doubtful there will be much left for me to say

Annoyances

I'm extrememly annoyed when people get credit for things they didn't do. Even worse when they had zero initiative, zero creativity, zero involvement and still are getting credit because they are simply associated to those who actually participated in the enterprise. It's like shinning off of someone else's luster. It's simply cheap. I don't care if it was an honest mistake or it was dictated by bon ton. Credit should be given where credit is due. It's annoying and quite tactless...I'll leave it at that - enough said...

My gripe isn't even work related. Maybe today the stars are out of alignment and I'm simply easily irritable. Maybe it's just that people suck!

Seasonal Confusion

I grew up in countries that only had three seasons: mildly cold, hot and I'm meeeelting. Now I've added a new season. Summer is undoubtedly my favorite season, but I have confess that fall comes in second. Though I cannot express enough how much I hate raking leaves. It's like the trees are taunting you. The more you rake, the more they drop leaves. And when you are done making neat little piles that eventually need to be collected a gust of wind screws it all up again. When you have finally bagged every little last one of your leaves, your neighbor's big red oak decides the time has come for it to shed...all over your damn yard! But then there are the good things like pumpking spice latte; the need to eat hearty comfort foods; the brisk morning air; bright colors of mums; incredible foliage; and soup!

This weekend however I hail global warming that allows me to enjoy the colors while still wearing flip flops and shorts. If it wasn't for the color, you'd think it was summer. If it was all about the color, you'd think summer was on fire.

Not quite, but close enough....

Wake up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning may seem crazy to most, unless you are gearing up for a fabulous day. It's unseasonably warm for this time of year and the colors of fall are amazing. I spent the day on a boat. I caught a fish that wasn't of size so I had to toss it back in. I still got the thrill of the catch and being on the Ocean is reward enough for me. On my way home from the marina I stopped at the store for a few things. Fall always makes me crave cinnamon and spice so before heading home I punctuated my day with a Starbucks pumpking spice latte. Ah, what's a few million calories when life is this good? A little rock music in the ears and sun through the windshield I decided that my dinner menu was going to be lobsters, bruschetta and a little red wine. My arrival home was anxiously awaited by a care package my mother sent. I guess jam is best when mom makes it and balsamic vinegar is that much tastier when it is flown in from Italy. A fresh bouquet of roses sent to me from a friend for losing a friendly bet greeted me from the kitchen counter wafting it's sweet scent through the house. A shower, a quick nap, a silly movie and a blog made the rest of the afternoon fly. Tonight a couple of beers and a front seat by my TV for the big Red Sox do or die. I'd call it a near perfect day.

We all strive for some type of utopia. Coming home to my daily fix of the DQ, a little dinner, a couple of beers and the game; well that...THAT would've been perfection. But, as I'm reminded of day in and day out, life is full of choices. Obviously I wasn't on the choice list for the evening. We don't always get what we want, but we might as well make the most of what we have, and all in all I think I did pretty good.

Tomorrow will be a repeat except that I'll be on a horse instead of a boat. It will still be sunny. It will still be warm. It will still be fall and I'll still crave spice. Dinner will be made. Lobsters will give way to rotissery chicken. Wine may be consumed. The Red Sox will still be in play (I have faith!). And, once again, there will be no DQ to share it with. Oh so close, but yet again... merely near perfect.

Register Here

Thirty years of peace and quiet and then suddenly you are swarmed, it's gift registry after gift registry that you find yourself logging into and purchasing things from. This gift registry business has to be one of the best marketing inventions ever launched by the U.S. Even better than the made up Hallmark holidays for which you must run out and at least get a card. God forbid you miss the "Celebrate your plumber day."

Now I know most people think I'm the Grinch when it comes to celebrations but I can assure you this isn't the case. Europeans also have gift registry but as usual things are done in moderation. You get one registry for your wedding and that's it! Here it's out of control. You get a gift registry for weddings. A gift registry for a new bride. A gift registry for newborn babies. A gift registry (now called a wish list) for kids going to college. I can't believe they haven't tried a gift registry for the newly divorced, or even better for the dead.

Like I said, I'm all for celebrating the love and passion of couples who have decided to take the big step into (abyss) marriage. And the idea even makes sense. If you are going to spend your hard earned money, you might as well spend it for things they want and need. So God Bless you and may you use the cheese board and cutter until death do you part. But for the rest, my friend, you are on your own. I just don't see why I must feel compelled to purchase more stuff to fund someone else's life. So what do us single hard working people do? Do we work our butts off for a few green dollars so that we can in turn spend them all supporting someone else's life? Because we all know that in the interim the gift registry then turn into those sneaky children's fund raisers that come in the form of catalogues or calendars we are all subjected in the office throughout the course of the year.

Hell I bought a new house a year ago. Where was my gift registry then? Am I not entitled to one? A few years ago I purchased a horse, how about a registry for that?! Do you have any idea how expensive it is to own a horse? I could use a little support with that. How about others with vices that aren't family oriented? Who are we to deny them a gift registry?

Ok, I'm not always a bitter cynic (maybe just sometimes) but what put me over the top today was after surfing through a baby registry and spending about half of what I spend on my horse keep a month I inquired with the mom to be as to where she preferred her gift be sent. She dutifully sent me the address and closed out her email with "...but we don't expect any gifts."

Dumbfounded and a bit confused I couldn't help but ask myself "so what the phuck you got a gift registry for?!" Sheesh man - people!

Battling Time

Friday 10 AM email exchange with a childhood friend of mine who now lives in Italy.

Me: So what's up for the weekend?

Stefy: Well nothing special. Got to go pick out tiles for the bathroom. I know you hate this, but I'm going shopping with mom. A little sleeping in. Then Saturday a nice quiet dinner with the beau. Sunday we have a nice BBQ to go to and then gonna do a little vegging. And you?

Me: Sounds nice. Mine is uneventful ....Paint the trim in my bedroom. Switch my summer clothes out. Pay bills. Do laundry. Clean my house. Go to the store. Plan a trip. Pick up some art I had framed and find a wall for it. Clean my windows. Make dinner. Got a riding lesson. Mulch the flowerbeds. Eradicate my tomatoes. If I have time, watch the game. Blah, the usual.

Stefy: That's what you are doing this whole weekend?

Me: Yeah, I know....boring but I'm alone and lacking a social life so not like I have a gala event to attend. And then well there is my horse and possibly the gym.

Stefy: No I mean....you plan on doing ALL that in one weekend? I do all that in five days. You are like superwoman!

------

Well come to think of it is a busy schedule. Did I accomplish all of what I wanted? No...because when planning ahead one should also factor in the unpredictables which seem to multiply when you are in a hurry to get things done. So, in recapping:

- I sanded and painted the trim in my bedroom. Three hours on my knees is not my kind of fun. When I went to pull the tape off I pulled most of the paint off with it. GRRR! I freaking hate that. I'm a definite type A, and I hate doing the work two times but what choice did I have.

- I emptied out my entire closet. I was hoping to have a pile of things go to Goodwil but instead I find I have a hard time parting with certain things as "I may be able to use this shirt to paint/ride/work in the yard". Needless to say I came across some interesting things such as my ex-boyfriend's college sweater. Why I have that thing seeing that it fits me like a dress is beyond me. As my right hand went to toss it in the "see ya later" pile my left hand saved it. And on the process went. The ugliest of survivors being a plad shirt I've had for years and worn maybe once. A Larry-the Cable Guy original. Why I keep it I don't know. The only appropriate place for it would be a lumberjack reunion.

- I exercise somewhat regularly, yet apparently not enough. I went up and down the stairs with tubs of clothing from the basement to my bedroom so many times that my thighs and butt muscles were in pain. Yet the job isn't completely finished as apparently I have more winter clothes than I had anticipated.

- I did four loads of laundry. The plan was to wash it all and fold it. Then decide what to keep for winter and what to put away. I got more than halfway through it but it never seems to end. I almost want to wear the same clothes for a week I'm so sick of doing laundry.

- My friend the Madame Butterfly is going through a rough patch in her relationship. As a good friend should do I lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on. But not when I get called 350 times a day to chat. I don't have time for that. I totally understand that she doesn't want to be alone at this time but I am very busy and every minute counts. I've decided this is the weekend I'll dedicate to all the crap that needs to get done so that I can then enjoy the season. And while I sit there on the phone dispensing advice that I have no business dispensing all I can think is "if you actually got off your ass and made yourself busy, you wouldn't have the time to mull over the same questions that have no answers." But that isn't what a friend does even when she is being stalked at 9.30 AM with a "hey! Give me a ring when you get up" call. Or better yet, a middle of the day visit, say....3.30PM for a 5 Mile hour long bike ride to the middle of nowhere and back fighting head wind. Yay what fun!

- Come to find out that worse than a stubborn man is a stubborn man with a bum knee and crutches. I am always the first to offer help and the last to receive it but for the love of God, I don't have the time to argue over it. I'm going to offer once. It's a geniune offer because I know I can help and I'm willing to help. You either accept it or you don't. There is no middle ground. If I didn't want to help, or couldn't help or didn't have the time to help I'd say so no?! But no, stubborn man has to argue about it and time spent trying to convince His Majesty of Stubborn just makes me want to strangle him. Stubborn! Stubborn! Stubborn! Fine, get someone else to help you but just accept the fact that we all need a little help occasionaly and we can all move on to other things.

- Trip planning is not an easy endevour. It requires research and a lot of minutes on hold. Minutes I don't have. So it's now graduated from a weekend project to a week day project. Not to worry, travel is always on the priority list. I will make the time for it - rest assured.

-Bills....never got that far.

- I did make dinner Saturday night and even watched some of the game while trying to avoid the 351st call from Madamme Butterfly. I thought it turned out ok though it was simple chicken and potatoes. Sometimes though simple is the way to go.

I'm a firm believer that weekends should be 3 days long cuz I sure could use a full fledged day of doing nothing. Or better yet, wouldn't it be nice to be doted on for once? But then that would require living on a different planet. Hummm. The chances of a 3 day weekend are starting to look much easier to achieve.

Scatterbrain

I don't really know what is wrong with me today but I can't seem to keep my mind on one train of thought. Since I already know that any attempt at organizing them into anything that makes sense will be futile, I'm just going to share the chaos.

* I can't stop thinking ahead to Saturday. I have a list of a billion things to do and I can't wait for them to just get done. This includes finish painting my bedroom trim, put away my summer clothes, go to the store, put up some art work I just had framed, ride my horse, clean my house....oh my god do I need to clean my house! Did I mention I needed to clean my house? Yeah well I do. Though what I really want to do is veg on the couch all day and watch re-runs of Law&Order and eat bon bons which I so know isn't going to happen.

* It's gotten suddenly cold and I'm struggling every morning to find something to wear to work. I'm wondering if it OK or a total faux pas to wear a turtle neck in October. What a dilemma. I'm cold! But come on now, it's only October turtle necks have to be silly at this point.

* I hate my job. I like the people I work with. I like my boss. I like getting a pay check. I hate that I have no choice to go elsewhere because of stupid laws. I hate the fact that I get bored. I hate the feeling of being unfulfilled. I hate going to a job that just doesn't use me to my full potential or takes advantage of any of my fortes. I so know I could do so much more. I could be so much more. I hate pretending that I don't really care I have an unfulflling job. I'm wasted and it sucks because there is nothing I can do about it but sit tight.

* I am driving home from work and why is my truck full of flies? How disgusting is that? I practically live out of the thing but I don't remember hauling dead fish in it. I left the windows rolled down while at the horse farm yesterday. How come I didn't see them while driving to work this morning? Great! This just means that I get up even before flies do. Now that's sad!

* There was nothing to watch on TV last night. All I have is an hour a day to watch TV and still there is nothing on. It annoyed me to no end because reading requires energy I didn't have at the time and the computer is out of the question when I'm trying to relax.

* I cannot wrap my head around the fact that Smuckers makes jelly that you can squeeze out of a bottle. Who ever thought it was a good idea? What was wrong with the old fashioned jar? I used it today for the very first time and it squirts out of the bottle like a wet fart. Then it globs back into the bottle with a squishy sound. It's utterly disgusting. I lost my apetite for my toast.

* Last night a friend dropped by to pick up his dog I have been doggie sitting all weekend. In return he brought me dinner he bought all for me in the "city". Now, that never happens! That is just too thoughtful and I'm so greatful that people like that exist and are my friends.

* I was asked for permission to print a few of my photos for display. I like taking photos. A few people have commented that I have a good eye for photos. However I have yet to find any pics that I really like. Something is always off. So the reality is I have mixed feelings about this. I'm flattered that someone thinks they are worthy enough to be turned into prints and hung as decor. At the same time, I'm wondering if it is being done almost as a favor to a friend. I don't need that. I am not looking for assurances on my abilities or inabilities as a photo-taker.

* Cloudy days make me grouchy. I wish the sun would come out.

* I got so close to a doe while on horseback yesterday that I was totally amazed. She stopped. She looked at us for a bit. Her ears perked. She figured I wasn't that interesting or threatening and went back to eating moss. I clucked to her and she didn't go anywhere. I scratched my head, rubbed my nose, spoke to my horse and it was as if I wasn't even there. I can't believe I didn't have my camera. It was perfect. Picture perfect.

So, there you go my mind going a million miles a minute. Just a few scattered thoughts for hump day and it's barely past noon. It's going to be a long day. I wonder if this is what ADD feels like.

Scary Scullery

In my three (plus) decades on this planet I have only asked one guy to move in with me. I asked him three times. All three times it was a nonchalant "you should move in with me." The first time I got a sarcastic "I should move in with someone, but no one will have me!" The second time was an equally nonchalant "ummm...we can discuss it." The third and final time my nonchalance was ignored and the subject was diverted.

Initially I thought he wasn't taking me seriously. His loss, how many times do you expect a girl to ask you that and not feel silly? Today, while darting around the house doing a million things inkling cooking myself dinner and watching the Red Sox play I stopped in my tracks as I made the realization that my request hadn't fallen on deaf ears. Those were conscious answers of a smart man to divert my attention so as to avoid a direct 'no thanks' or even a 'hell no, I'm not crazy!'. And as I slow down and look around I realize it's not easy to live with me. Anyone who knows me well knows that there are a few things that really frazzle me but when it comes to my house I have uncontrollable OCD. Who in their right mind would want to deal with that on a daily basis? Personally I think it comes from the fact that I do everything around the house by myself and sick of doing it I've become a little set in my ways almost as a defense mechanism. I mean my way seems to work, so why change it? Especially if change means that my chores are doubled. Freudian reasoning aside, I have a pet peeve for every single room of my house. Some may seem reasonable, others unexplainable but they all make me unbearable.

Kitchen: Let's start with clarifying that I'm a clean freak. Not to be confused with being a neat freak. Having said this, I hate having dishes pile up in the sink. However that I sometimes overlook because I AM the dishwasher and sometimes the dishwasher is also in need of TLC. Though I will not deny that at times seeing a pile of dirty dishes in the sink triggers the urge to empty everything in the trash. Urge that I have yet to give in to. What I will not and cannot condone is crumbs and dirt on all my cooking surfaces. Cooking on dirty surfaces would put me over the edge. If I'm in charge, I clean the counters and stove before and after use every time. Having a possible partner that repeatedly lacks in this may require me to take some anger management classes in order to salvage any dinnerware that I may the instinctive urge to pitch in his general direction. So far it's all controllable I suppose. The straw that breaks the camel's back however is my set of cooking knives.

Let one thing be clear, no one (except for my mother) is allowed to use my set of knives without prior and well contemplated approval on my part. The kitchen knives were given to me as a gift by someone I am very fond of. I find it to be a very thought of gift and as such I'm overly possessive and careful with them. They are to be used and washed immediately, dried and put away. Yes I know it may seem a little crazy behavior but too many times I've seen people use knives to screw something or scrape something with. Kitchen knives are meant for the preparation of various foods. Which is why there are different kinds of knives for different kinds of jobs. What would posses anyone to think it was ok to scrape paint off or tighten a lose screw or open a box with a pearing knife. And how many times have I seen knives with rust stains on them because abandoned in shallow waters of the sink overnight. Or worse yet cutting knives that look like breading knives because they were placed in the dishwasher where they get dinged and dull. There is just nothing worse than getting all geared up to cook a nice fancy meal and then find that the tools you have don't work to par. Ever tried to cut up a simple tomato with a dull knife? Enough said.

Yeah so I'm anal like that and I don't really care if anyone thinks I'm crazy. The truth is that I am crazy and impossible to live with. Like I said, I have multiple pet peeves for every room of my house and this is just the beginning; it's Ed, in the kitchen with a knife. She gone dun it. Wonder what the other rooms have in store? Stay tuned.

Powering Down

A level above exhaustion and a mere step from delusion last night. It hit me as suddenly as a bowling strike scattering pins and I could barely get out of my own way. I didn't even have the strenght to get my truck to push past 25mph on the road home. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. I still have no idea how I managed to make a whole pizza from scratch. Somehow it made it into the oven and back out with no problem. When I made the conscious decision to go to bed it was 8:15. I was uncouncious by 8:17. Yes I'm a loser and I don't care.

* I didn't care that most people's kids have bed times that fall later than mine.
* I didn't care that I had just eaten dinner and had no time for digestion.
* I didn't care that the TV life really begins after my bedtime which is why I cannot entertain discussions at work about the latest most popular show.
* I didn't care that the sun was barely setting.
* I didn't care that I had left a pile of dishes in the sink.
* I didn't care that the New York Yankees were playing game one (though it did aleviate the apprehension to see they were already behind by then.)
* I didn't care that the phone was ringging, they can leave a message.
* I didn't care that I'm barely thirty something and I have no social life.
* I didn't care that the DQ was in sweet company, and it wasn't me.

I couldn't get to sleep fast enough. My only concern was regaining my sanity. And so there it was, my alarm blinking 8:15PM and lights out! We are so wrapped up in our routines that sometimes we forget to listen to our own bodies. I for one do not have the ability to slow down unless ofcourse the plug is pulled and then finally the mainframe rests.

Restlessness

I had a fabulously busy weekend. A little time spent on a boat. A little time spent trying new recipies. A bit of time on horseback. I even managed to go see one of my favorite childhood bands play - a dream come true. It was nothing but heavy unadulturated metal. A body surfing, leather wearing, head bangging, guitar screaming, floor shaking rock concert. Total decadence. That's right, I'm a closet
metal head - there's a deep dark tid bit only a few people know about me. Despite all this fun in the sun, I have a confession to make...I'm not happy.

By "happy" I don't mean the disappointment I felt finding out that the powerball winner is in Tennessee AGAIN! I don't mean the "happy" that makes you giggle and laugh. I am talking about inner balance you should perceive when the the noise and distraction of our bustling lives dies down. It's inner feeling of peace you should find when the work day has come and gone and you sit on the couch alone with that glass of wine you've been looking forward to all day. Well, I don't
feel that peace, that balance. When it's all said and done I'm restless and fed up of feeling like this.


I think I know exactly why I feel unhappy. I even know what it would take to resolve it. I just don't really know how to go about doing it because it would result in hurting someone very deeply. So what does one do? Endure a permanent unsettling feeling because they have learned to manage it for the sake of others, or take a risk for personal gain? And then there is the problem of how to go about doing
the deed. At this point I think I'm stalling for one very simple reason besides the fact that hurting someone else in turn hurts me. The simple down to earth fact is that I'm deathly afraid of the consequences of my actions.

I can't help but think of all the explaining I will have to do to family and friends for following out my actions. They are nothing but bystanders, how can they understand how I feel when from the outside all looks kosher. How do you explain to someone on the outside that just becuase things seem normal and balanced they really aren't so. How do you explain to family that I'm tired of running from a situaton that most people would find ideal? Then, I can't help but calculate and wonder if I can financially and emotionally afford what will come as a result of my decision.

I'm not too worried about the emotional part of it. I am a prime example of how people are able to survive heart break and gain strength from it. Karma is a different issue in this instance but we won't get into it right now. And then....then there is the question of what awaits you on the other side of the decision. Have you read everyones intentions correctly? Have the hints been given to you been real? The real issue is that I'm not the kind of person who tells others I love them when I don't really deeply mean it. Simple family and friendship kind of love is plenty hard for me to express. When it's the "other kind" of love we are talking about...I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine. I've feel like I'm just settling when there is so much more out there left to explore.

I'll bet most have no idea what I'm really talking about it but at this point I'm just not ready to tell all so use your imagination (and no PuerL, this has nothing to do with my sexual preferences - those aren't up for discussion at all). So, why am I externalizing all this on a blog, people might wonder. I'm not looking for pity or insight. I just feel that this has been a dilemma in my head for so long that maybe finally externalizing it will force me to somehow stop ignoring it. A friend of mine recently did the same thing. It took courage but she realized she wasn't happy and it was time to bust out of her shell and move on. It's scary but it can be done. It's being done by others, can it be done by me - the perpetual coward?

So how to portray this situation so that it can be related to; hummm. Imagine being on a cliff looking down. You are ready to take that plunge because you know it will be liberating. Suddently you feel an overwhelming dizzyness as uncontrollable fear grips you and you realize you are deathly afraid of heights. You are almost better off if the ground underneath your feet crumbled leaving you with no choice but to fall and eventually pick up what pieces (if any) are left.