Crow's Feet

I look at pictures of my friend's beautiful yet simple Italian wedding. The comments on he photos are of fear and wanting to run away yet she looks radiant. They look radiant with big smiles and confetti strewn in their hair. All I can think of is how good it must be to feel that confident. How sane it must be to know that the person you want to be with for the rest of your life is right there. On the other hand another of my friends just gave birth to her second child while my best of friends is pregnant with twins. And then there is me at 34 and totally lost. One minute I want a family. One minute I want a guy who thinks the whole world of me. The next minute I just want to drop everything and run to a place where I don't know anyone. Doesn't that classify me as clinically insane I wonder?

"You've got crow's feet!" I heard today. Well yeah I have crows feet. I spend most of my free time outside kissed by the sun. I spend most of my not so free time either working like a dog or taking care of someone or something. That would give anyone crow's feet. So I wonder if at 34 years old you can actually come to grasp with what you want, need, want. I can't be the one to tell you that as I'm torn by desires to run from all I know that is familiar while sometimes longing for what society calls normal.

I guess at some point I'd want a child of my own. I dedicate most of my love and care to animals but I selfishly think that not passing on my genes would be a waste. Do I see myself as part of the yummy mommy 5 karat righ soccer mom world - I'm prone to say no. I'm probably more along the lines of single mom working two jobs kind of person. Still I think I may make some day a good mom. But how old is too old to figure these things out? I'm 34...I apparently have crow's feet and I just don't see myself walking down the isle in a white dress. It just was never part of my childhood dream. What is part of my dream??

I want to be like Becky and Bill. They are a bit like the characters of Bon Jovi's "Living Like on a Prayer" song. Both are hard working stiffs. Maybe even more than is fair to say. He's a sales rep for a company that produces an alcoholic beverage. He works late nights and though sometimes his job isn't really much more than spending time with a bunch of drunk guys what he is really looking forward to is going home to her. She's pretty laid back. Has two jobs and not a lot of time for socializing because she's also taken on the job of helping him out with his son. Still her priority is to make time to spend with Bill. It's probably not much time they are alloted together due to circumstance but they make it work. There is no woman out there that can distract him from her and vice versa. Occasionally you'll see them strolling into the bar together laughing. Their night is planned out because their plans are very simple - to be together. See....they are 28! What do they really know about life?

I just envy the fact that they aren't running from each other. That's what I do. I belong at the Circue de Soleil. I'm a pro at spinning around people without ever committing. And if you aren't in shape it takes a toll. What kind of shape can you be at 34 with crow's feet?

I want to be like Becky and Billy. I want to live my life to the fullest and have fun. I want to go out and have a good time as an individual yet look forward to going home to one person who thinks that despite my 34 years of life and my crow's feet, there is no other place he'd rather be. I don't want to be with someone who "makes" time for me. I don't want to be with someone who has billion other priorities and thinks of me as a chore instead of a prize. I don't want to be with a person I have to make time for. I want to be a piece of a puzzle that fits without effort. I want two people that have individuality but whose priorities are made of each other. I don't want to be the typical "oh, I got to go home cuz the old lady is expecting me for dinner." That's not me.

I want to be carefree like Becky and Billy who. But at 34 and with crow's feet can can you be or is that reserved for 28? At 34 and with crow's feet are you nothing but a cougar waiting on the sidelines for a little glimpse of happiness. I've heard "If I had a woman like you, she'd be on a pedestal" bit before but never from anyone's whose pedestal I wanted to be on.At 34 and with crow's feet do you still have a future as a parent, a successful business person, an attractive woman or is it all down hill from here? Am I doomed to forever lust after normalcy as the clock ticks because I'm always chasing that one guy who just doesn't want me.