Chronicles of Ed: Incessantly Argumentative, Perpetually Discontended

Toxicity Level - Code Red

2009-07-09T22:44:00.003-05:00

I worked late tonight. I almost called you on my way home. I wanted to tell you about the amazing sunset I witnessed over the bridge. Maybe it's all the rain we've had but I don't remember the last time I saw the this vibrant of a red bleed into the Ocean. But I didn't. I didn't call. Suddenly, I've got no one to call.

You would've answered the phone. You would've asked how my evening went. You always did. You would've wowed over my trivial recount of the natural occurrence of a sunset and the oddities of customers served that evening. As always, you would've been up waiting for me to get home. But I didn't call. I could not call.

So instead, as I drove toward the minute apartment that is my current abode, I channeled my energy in fighting every urge to drive "home" . With fondness I recalled your half sleepy face watching TV. Dirty pots in the sink. A half eaten dinner on your plate. Some cheesy show on the screen. I wanted to come home. Even if just to drive by to see if your car was in the driveway. If the light from the TV screen reflected out the windows into the street. Just to see what you were doing. To tell you about the horribly dressed uber-rich participants of my evening at work. But I couldn't. Coming home would mean staying forever and I cannot make that promise. So, with uncontrollable sobs and tears streaming down my face I drove the opposite way wondering what kind of a person passes up the opportunity to be with someone who has no other desire in life but to be with you? A mentally ill one, obviously.

So tonight as I sit alone in my little place furnished with nothing more than a futon, a coffee table that houses my college TV, and a mattress/ box spring combo I feel compelled to make a confession to an audience that doesn't know me, is sometimes willing to listen and is always impartial.

Hello, my name is Ed.
I am 35 years old.
I am a commitment-phobe.

My last relationship lasted about eight years.
My previous relationship fell apart after ten.
The last time I offended and let it all go to shit was two weeks ago.

If you love me, I am toxic.
I should come with a warning sign.
I run from anything that is good for me.
I feel suffocated by those who care for me.
I am cursed by the uncontrollable urge to escape those who genuinely and unconditionally adore me.
My irresponsible behavior irreparably breaks hearts.
Hurting others pains me more than I can explain, but I don't know how to stop.
I am a free spirit, yet I do not want to be alone.
You pull, I run.

If you don't love me, I am bi-polar.
I am attracted by everything that is negative.
I am magnetized by what pushes me away.
I chase you if you don't really want me.
I waste my time and energy wondering why you don't feel for me the way I do.
I am the fall back-gal, the rebound pal.
I am the constant second choice striving to be the number one.
I hurt because you don't love me the way I want you to.
You push, I pull.

I don't know if there is a pill or a cure. I hope to God there is.
I think I want a balanced relationship. One I can shamelessly show the world that I have a heart.
A careless kind of love. A lovy-dovy, mushy-wushy, googly eyed kind.
I don't want to pretend I don't care anymore. I don't want to doubt how he feels.
I demand to shamelessly be the center of someone's existence and them mine.
I long it to be effortless.
I want to miss someone when they are gone, even if for five minutes. I want for that feeling to be mutual.
I aspire to complete and be completed.
In a crowd of a thousand, we are the only two people there.

I'm tired of running....I'm sick of being toxic.

Hello, my name is Ed.
I am 35 years old.
I am a commitment-phobe.
You pull, I run.
You push, I pull.
I caution that prolonged exposure to me is likely to cause severe damage. I strongly suggest one seek cover.

Cu-Cu! Time to Go!

2009-06-12T15:26:00.001-05:00

It's somewhat ironic that in most cases it takes an event of catastrophic dimensions to bring two people closer and push the third one away. It's when the going gets tough that you finally get to see where you stand.

The realization that you may actually lose someone that up to that point you've somewhat taken for granted is pretty powerful. So you've galavanted around chasing other skirts and building relationships when suddenly it's all discovered. What do you do now? Do you take action and make the realization that if you found the grass to be greener elsewhere it was a sign of an underlying issue at home? Or maybe it was more along the lines of the thrill of the chase and now it's over. The ten year old that pushes his luck to see how far he can get before they're caught. How about opting to be cowardly and waiting out the storm? After all, if you've been with that person long enough there must be a reason. No one wants to be single again. It's too much work. It is time to backpedal and reiterate all those empty promises that mean so much to others. It's time to pull out all the stops of forgiveness and mercy. It's time to throw out all those "love you", "miss you" and "wish you were here" phrases with no subsistence that somehow have the ability to coat and mend a broken heart. And of course don't forget to add sexual innuendos because those always go a long way.

The second party plays it smart. If you've been the greener grass you know what's at stake. If you let go they walk away without a second thought. However, if you hang on too tight something will snap. The game is on. Time to be supportive of their activities. Time to be caring of their issues. Time to be super nice, sweet and very available. Time to learn how to work the yo-yo of control versus insane jealousy and suspicion. Time to find that weed killer that will turn the proverbial neighbor's greener grass into a desolate mass of brown mush.

I on the other hand, I'm pretty sick of it all. I've been dangling out there like a wind sock in a storm. I haven't been happy in a while. In a long long while. Stuck between one that wants too much and another that doesn't want me enough isn't a good place to be. I need a balance. On one hand I'm tired of having to justify everything I do. On the other hand I'm tired of being the recipient of words that for as nice as they may seem are also being said to someone else. On one hand I'm done pretending I care when I really don't and consequently being guilted into doing what I don't want to do. On the other hand I'm tired of hoping that something will change and I will no longer be a third wheel.

It's somewhat the case that an event of catastrophic dimension brings about some changes. And when said event doesn't bring about those very changes you were hoping for, I'd say it's a big enough hint of where you stand on the totem pole.

Poetry

2009-06-09T11:03:00.001-05:00

I am generally not a big fan of poetry. Most of the time I don't get it and the rest of the time it's too deep for me to deal with. But life has been a little up in the air these past two weeks. And, when I came across this excerpt today in some way it just voiced exactly how I've been feeling lately.

- The Invitation -

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- Oriah

Writer's block

2009-06-04T14:19:00.003-05:00

I miss writing yet lately I can't seem to bring myself to do so. Every day I promise myself another blog post and then the clock ticks by and the day fizzles and with no post. I don't know if it is a lack of time or desire. It's probably also compounded by the fact that I've lost most of my blogger audience. What is the point of writing when no one is there to read it. It's not really as therapeutic this way. The thoughts, topics and discussions are abundant but why is it that I can't sit and write. Maybe it's cuz I can't seem to distance myself long enough from all that is going on to actually write about it. Who knows. All I know is that I miss it.

Domesticate the Beast

2009-05-07T14:50:00.001-05:00

I just don't get how some people say that they don't know how to cook. Cooking really doesn't take a genius. Good and simple cooking only takes minimal planning and some imagination. Mind you, I'm no gourmet cook but I manage to make something different for dinner almost every week even if I'm in a pinch. I rarely have time to do much that is relaxing and this past Tuesday I was was in more of a pinch for time than usual. I had to think of a meal quick that would not require much attention. Since I had already previously thawed out a ham steak I figured I had to make do. Pulled out my trusty crock pot. Trimmed my ham steak of it's fat and dumped it in the pot. Peeled some small onions and threw them in whole. In goes a handful of shredded carrots, a couple of cloves of garlic and roughly cubed potatoes. Covered the whole concoction with low sodium chicken broth and added a quarter cup of skim milk for moisture, turned the pot on medium and walked out the door. When I got home a few hours later it was all ready to go! For added health purposes I removed the remaining broth, chilled it and skimmed it of the very little fat that was on it. I brought it back up to boil and tossed in some chopped up bok choi. When the bok choi was cooked I removed it from the liquid that was then turned into the yummiest of gravies with a little addition of starch. And voila I had me a meal of meat so tender it was falling off the bone and an array of soulful veggies. It all took a whole 10 minutes of preparation and just as long to enjoy it all. How can someone call that difficult?

Not to continuously revert to the same old adage but frankly if you have no imagination in kitchen, there is little left to wonder about what one is like in their other domestic abilities including those that take place in the bedroom. ; ) A little advice to those who care to take it; what woman doesn't love a man that can 'cook'.

Old Buzzard

2009-05-04T11:51:00.001-05:00

So, I haven't blogged in a while because truth be told I don't feel like myself lately. I'm turning 35 this year but the actual numbers that refer to ones age have never really had any meaning to me. I know 42 year old men that look, feel and act like they were in their thirties. And I know 27 year old ladies that act and look like they are 40+. Numbers really have no other purpose but to keep track of passing time. The actual problem lies elsewhere. It arises when you realize that you no longer recognize the reflection staring back at you in the mirror. We've already established that I've never been a head turner. But in my own defense I'm comfortable saying that I'm also not quite Quasimodo's cousin. So I've noticed that those days spent worshiping the sun are beginning to leave crow's feet around the eyes, and furrows in the forehead. The once shimmery skin tone is ashing. The vibrance of the green in my eyes that has always earned me so many compliments is fading. Even the full head of unmanageable hair that used to have a mind of it's own now just sits there limp on my head. The many curves the body used to take now have an added speedbump right around the mid-section that seems to want to eventually grow into a dirigible. I've tried a little make-up to mask the obscenity my face is becoming just to realize that applying make-up is an art that I never mastered. I've tried looser clothing to mask the battle of the bulge with the result of just looking frumpier. And finally it's the attitude. Usually known for a happy-go-lucky kind of personality I'm instead growing to be insensitive and easily annoyed. There were times when I'd get the occasional compliment. Nowadays I'd even settle for a drunken "you're hot" comment as I don't even remember the last time someone said I looked half decent. Like a 1970 Chevy Chevelle left out to the elements I need a tune up, a new carburator and some major body work. Once, just a few years ago, sitting at a coffee shop I was mistaken for her sister. Now the best I could do is pass for the model of this epic figure. Sigh!

Snapshot of Stuff

2009-03-26T14:22:00.003-05:00

I haven't been blogging much lately for many reasons. Mainly I'm a little tired of bitching about the same thing without any type of break in sight. After a while certain status quos take a toll even on resilient people like myself. Then the reality is that no one reads this blog anymore as I don't have the desire to 'push' it. I guess lack of posting does sort of nullify any followers. Also I've been so busy with work that it's been hard to find the appropriate amount of time required to collect thoughts and put them in some kind of sensible and coherent rant. And finally, I've been traveling some albeit for business and not pleasure which requires adequate planning time and all that other stuff that sucks you away from the marvels of blogger. So, since as they say pictures speak louder than words here is a little taste of what I've been experiencing lately. A collage of a few oddities I seem to encounter as time flies by and so does life. Enjoy and ask away.

Shit or Get off The Pot

2009-03-12T11:45:00.001-05:00

Ever been so immersed in an issue that it consumes your very being? And the more you think about this issue the more confused you are about it. The more confused you are about it the further you are from being able to decypher it and maybe even resolve it. And then one day, as you are doing something totally irrelevant to said issue the fog lifts and the problem is clear as day. It's what happened to me this evening. I have been immersed by the mysery resulting from continued affiliation with the DQ for a long time. No end in sight. Like the durable latex of a bungee cord we go back and forth. When one gives a little the other backs down and so on and so forth for what is now pretty close to a decade. One step forward, two steps back, this everlasting tango has lost its sensuality. In few and far between moments of weakness often fueled by alcohol promises have been exchanged just to be quickly forgotten or never again spoken of. Quite recently I thought we'd reached a breakthrough when on more than one occasion without any probing, and to absolute shock to my ears, I thought I received as close to a proclamation of sentiment as I would ever get. With phrases like "let's make the break" and "I'm fed up of this" and maybe even an "I'm ready to move on" my hopes were lifted. Then with the same nonchalance they were uttered they were forgotten and once again we are back to square one. Why? How? Were they honest? Is there any level of sincerity at all? And if so, what happened??

Driving home last night from a class and head bopping to cheesy hair metal suddenly the fog lifted and clear as the crystalline waters of the Caribbean everything just came together. The DQ is that guy that doles out ultimatums with no deadline repeatedly promises to himself and others that he's moving on...he's done! She is the Queen Bee. She rolls her eyes at the ultimatums, brushes off those sometimes hurtful words and continues on with the certainty of a Transatlantic in a storm. Able to stand the bile that builds up as a result insecurity and jealousy towards others because ultimately she is the safe heaven, the mooring, the constant in his life. I instead play the role, even if marginally, as a buoy of misery. At the mercy of ever changing tides, moods and proceedings I somehow bob up and down and always resurface. Sometimes I'm needed as a floatation device and sometimes I'm forgotten in the rip tide to fend for myself.

So what is it that keeps this wheel turing? The answer was right in front of me. What man authoritative A-type personality leaves a controlled situation for the unknown? None. My theory proven time and time again on occasions in which a choice can be made between mooring or bobbing freely. Ninety-nine percent of the time the dice roll in favor of the harbor, the safe haven as opposed to the unknown humble port. Her patience and endurance fueled by the certainty that no matter what, she's the fall back. She is the beacon in the dark. Adorned with expensive jewelry she is paraded on his arm taking great pride in being Queen of the Sea recognized as his prized jewel by the drones of nautical aficionados. Ultimately an itty bitty row boat like myself could never compete with a Class-A cruiser that offers all sorts of amenities and comforts, could it?

The fog has lifted. I'm not much of a gambler because I never win but I'm playing at the green velvet table of high rollers. My opponent's eyes peaking over the hand of cards to disguise the smirk of confidence. With the Ace at stake, chances are she at least holds a straight flush. The dice have been rolled, it's my turn to draw a card. The time has come to make a final decision; should I up the ante and chance it or finally fold? Or as die hard saloon players would say - shit or get off the pot?

Post Memories

2009-03-02T10:56:00.003-05:00

It's surely been a while since my last post. And though I never lack things to talk about or gripe about I guess I've been having a hard time with time management as well as somewhat keeping things in my mind. So, seeing my inability to focus long enough to post a continuative topic I opted to allow others to do the writing for me. I keep in touch with a lot of people from my torrid past. From the girl's whose mother was my first riding instructor to a couple of people I met in my many travels around the globe. They are from all walks of life. So, I invited them to revive a memory of me and it was revealing as well as humbling to see some of the things they brought up. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Madamme Butterfly
Riding horses through a wheat field on a perfect summer day, just before dusk - singing ...

Hamster Killer
Our Drawing and Painting teacher telling me I have the hands of a blacksmith... Well I proved her wrong! I'm in to carpentry now! So Nyaah! :P

Uncle Fester
Memories...sweet memories....I remember going to see the mighty horse do his thing with his mistress riding his back. It was glorious the two working in stride together through one competition after another. People all looking and cheering her and others on. Then from came the screams "hey buddy your dog just grabbed a chicken." I thought some dumb dog owner is gonna get it then to my suprise here came MY dog towards me with a look of triumph carrying a half dead chicken.
Many f-bombs from the farmer caused me to take the long walk of shame back to car and then home. MY dog looked psyched....damn dog.

Stef
where to start?? there are so many! but the first one that comes to my mind is the nutella nights over at my place! you remember hiding the empty jars underneath the bed??? plus another one is ethiopia.. your house and the sleep overs.. and then again ... finding my father's porn tapes and wondering what the hell...of course the diamond ring!!!!! the time we almost chocked while eating Nesquik while watching scary movies.. so many memories of the good times and laughs we had together.. miss you...

Attaturk
=) having turkey, lettuce, and butter sandwiches on white bread in your kitchen after school. we'd make your brother froth the milk because he could do it better than you. "our bench" at school. Our SC "tattoos" to make fun of the boys' "BC" tattoos. SO many... XOXO Love you.

Captain America
Well, mine is real easy. I remember your Senior prom. You had an awesome dress and you looked stunning. We were at some dive bar in town and I sooo wanted to kiss you. You were dating dipshit, though...c'est l vie!

Trouble in little Tokyo
Rounds of detentions...then you would talk back to Monsieur Antoine and get another detention, threw shrubs on his sweater and yet another detention...I still remember how we cheated in French class, you gave me the answers in sign language! Fight over teather ball, like it was the most important thing in our lives. Saturday visits to the embassy and having pasta with your family friends, riding on a turtle(!) Skipping classes and stalking the guys that we had crushes on lol.

Yummy Mommy
Rollerblading at that little park by the beach, petting the horses with the children, having late dinner at your apt...lotsa great memories of our time in town!!

Indoor Voice
Mudding, sanding, drinking, pulling wallpaper down, more drinking, more sanding and more mudding............amazing it seems like it was just yesterday that you moved in there!

Nerm
jv basketball tournament in dubai. we were sooooo cool.....

I laughed and sniffled reading some of those. A few I'd totally forgotten about. It almost seems like someway along the line I lost the mischievous thread that made me who I am. I'm realizing I'm living but I sure as hell miss being alive!

Post Secret #4

2009-02-13T21:00:00.002-05:00

I got a flat tire today and it made me realize that there are times I don't know whether I should laugh or cry because, though I have been taught to take care of myself despite the situation...there are times in which I wish I didn't have to always do it on my own.

How Old is Old?

2009-02-13T20:54:00.003-05:00

How old does something have to be to get 'old' to a point of just giving up?
About seven years in the making and today, as i have done in the past, I very openly voiced my exasperation with a: " I cannot explain to you how tired I am of all this status quo. Just as tired as I am of mentioning that I'm tired of it all. Just as tired of not seeing any end in sight..."

The answer I got was....

"Hi! Finally home and going to take a nap after my big lunch. How is your day going?"

*****

I don't know if I should laugh or cry. But like a battered tired old boxer, I'm ready to throw in the towel....

Cheater Cheater - Pumpkin Eater

2009-02-03T16:10:00.002-05:00

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Is that really so I wonder?
And if it is, why is it so?
Is one afflicted by the syndrome of the grass is greener in someone else's yard?
Or is it just the inability to know what one wants?
Maybe an addiction to the thrill of the chase that wears off once it's no longer there.
After all, it is in human nature to want what you can't have.
Could it be a form of gluttony - want my cake and eat it too.

And if this is an affliction how did it come about?
Could it be a result of a bad experience?
A bitter end to an even more bitter marriage.
A bitchy girlfriend or consequence of an unbearable heartbreak that subconsciously won't allow one to get too attached to someone.

And as an affliction is there absolutely no cure for it?
The romantics would say that love conquers all.
The realists would say love has its work cut out for it.
What do the rest of us say?

I say that if "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a sentence without the possibility of parole or redemption, life is pretty grim.

Some Randomness

2009-01-29T13:49:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a while...and though as usual I do have a lot to say, it seems to me that time to put down my thoughts in a manner that would make some sort of sense is totally escaping me. So, just to keep in the habit of posting I figured it would be easiest to go with a random 30. Some of which you may be familiar with, and some not so familiar. Feel free to comment or follow suit should your creative juices not be flowing.

1. I spend more time with animals than I do people.
2. Growing up I wanted to be a vet and then a fighter pilot - neither worked out.
3. I once punched my brother in the face over toothpaste - he got a black eye, I got a beating.
4. Horses are my placidus
5. Any day spent on the water is a day well spent.
6. I'm not good at expressing my feelings
7. I'm an old fashioned style rocker tho 'some people think I listen to angry music.
8. Neediness and indecisiveness are two things I find incredibly unattractive in a man
9. I don't talk much for a girl - just got nothing to say.
10. I was so angry at my mother one day that I decided to run away from home but when I got to the end of the dirt road I realized I had nowhere to go, so I turned around and came home. All my mother did was shake her head.
11. I like my alone time.
12. I eat everything except for pickles (cuz yuck!) and rabbit (cuz I had two as pets and...well you got to draw the line somewhere.)
13. I'd rather drink a soda or water than a fizzy yellow beer!
14. I don't have time to watch TV or read books.
15. Sometimes I crave a simple bologna sandwich with cheese and mustard on white bread
16. My brother and I had the best childhood ever growing up in Africa.
17. Winter is fun but summer rules!
18. I am borderline OCD when it comes to my house - everything has a place, and every place has its thing.
19. I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.
20. In a million years I never thought I'd ever be fortunate enough to say that I love my job - I was wrong.
21. I don't wear make up cuz I...just can't be bothered.
22. I'm a non practicing Catholic but I believe in God.
23. I once found a snake in the back yard and brought him to school - he got loose. When I asked my mother if I could keep it, she said it was either me or the snake...
24. My brother is the smarts of the family, my dad is the logic, my mother is the heart and I think I was adopted. LOL
25. I occasionally play the lottery in hopes of winning big so I can support my vices and the too many hobbies I have.
26. One day I hope to own a house with the view of the Ocean
27. I occasionally have what is called Mal D'Afrique, I just miss living there.
28. The coolest thing I've ever done is visit the Impenetrable Forest of Bwindi in search for the Mountain Gorilla - they were beautiful.
29. It took me five years to get my bachelor's degree and one and a half years to get a masters and a certificate.
30. Getting my P.h.D. is something I have given serious thought to, but I just don't know where to find the time (and money) for it.

Resolve to be Clear

2009-01-19T12:03:00.002-05:00

I met this woman a little over a year ago. Soon after the true motive for our friendship began to take shape. After all, besides this one organization I was involved in, we only had one other thing in common, one person, my best friend. I started to
notice a pattern as what used to be sporadic communication on her part became more insistent and filled with personal questions about him. The fishing expedition became apparent when her emails became phone calls with motive. I wouldn't hear from her for weeks until she needed something from me or had to inquire as to his whereabouts. In her head he was smitten.

Friendships between women can typically be complicated. You could say this one fell into that category. I didn't know enough about this woman to judge her character but I certainly can tell when I'm riding the psycho rollercoaster. If I countered her insistent questions of his whereabouts and habits with suspicion she'd retaliate with denial and indignation of how she couldn't believe I'd ever insinuate she could have an ulterior motive to our friendship. After all she was a God fearing woman and a practicing catholic and would never dream of chasing men that were already involved. Always after butting heads she
would vanish for a while and reappear when she needed something or her meltdowns to him weren't working. I began to draw the line in August when first she got pissed at him that we went fishing and then once again reappeared for advice on what to get for his birthday. Things were a little weird. It became blatantly clear that this woman had serious psychological issues when in a flare of rage called me a hypocrite for having bought my best friend a gift. As usual my warnings of her ulterior motives were met with his usual "Oh Ed! You are just being a typical woman... paranoid. Nothing is going on."

There are a lot of things I may be. Paranoid may even be one of those, but stupid isn't. If there are a few things I know for a fact is that one; few and far between are the (unhappy) men that will resist blatantly accessible piece of ass even if it could use a bag over its head; two; women who are used to getting what they want, rarely fail! three; I have an infallible sixth sense for disaster; four; I want no part of this whole mess.

Sure enough I left for Christmas vacation and the crouching tiger pounced. Though he continues to deny, I feel betrayed twofold. Once for the act and secondly for the denials. Though I've somewhat come to peace with one guilty party as life without a best friend is kind of bleak, I have taken more steps away from the other as I'm not going to associate myself with someone who uses me to their advantage. As my mother says, there isn't anyone more deaf than those who don't want to hear. And she continues to email me and call me as if nothing has happened. It was time to make it clear that Ed had had enough. So in order to avoid any further misunderstandings I finally gave in to her many attempts to correspond. And how is this for clarity?

Dear Dr. B,
I thank you for your continued attempts at corresponding with me. However I must now tell you to no longer expect any replies. You see, I am a person of integrity and great loyalty. I take my friendships very seriously and after much thought I deem this one to never have been a friendship. In the past you have accused me of being a hypocrite and then have turned out to be one yourself. I'm tired of your temper tantrums and your drunken psychotic stupor. Worst of all I cannot forgive you for sleeping with my best friend and introducing mistrust and deception into our relationship. With one swipe of your man-hands and a few whispers of your smoker's raspy voice you squashed a friendship that had depths you will never understand. You pride yourself in being a devout Christian with morals. Maria Magdalena was a follower yet she too was whore. You like to hide behind your phrase of "God fearing woman" and when the time comes we will all stand in judgement. Until then, my dear, there are more terrestrial powers you should fear. Please remove all my contact details from your address book. For my own peace of mind, it is my resolution not to associate myself with the likes of you. Thanks for your understanding and the heartbreak.

Peace out!
Ed

Home

2009-01-08T13:17:00.019-05:00

The concept of "home" for me has always been very difficult to define with precision. Most people grow up in and around the same rooted area. And even those that are army brats usually have a place in which they at least root their descent and upbringging. It's not the case for me. I was born three decades ago in the enthralls of the dark continent of Africa. I am of European citizenship. I was raised in a very anglo-saxon culture and education system. I have lived in over 10 countries spanning four continents. I'm from everywhere and nowhere. The question "where are you from?" has always required an extensive answer and has always caused me great discomfort. In order to surpass this issue I have adopted the saying of "Home is Where the Heart is" as my own. In fact, for me home is where my immediate family happens to reside at any given point in time. I own a house but that isn't the same as a 'home'. I don't have a family of my own or any prospect of one in the near future so that really isn't "home" to me. Therefore my heart resides where the people I miss the most are. It has at times been trying not to have real roots but you sort of get used to it. And then there is also the negative side effect of having the physical and psychological difficulty of ever growing effective roots because as a global gypsy you always wonder in the back of your head some other place would be better, saner, more serene then where you are now. The upside however is that you get to experience people and places that most only get to dream about. So, for these past holidays despite a little initial reluctance I bought a ticket and went "home" and since my return to the US met me with heartbreak and betrayal I am now even more certain that my presence here will not be permanent hence never being defined as 'home'. But on a happier note, I share with you a taste of my 'home'...

;lkadj;alskfjsda;lkjda;j UGH!!!

2009-01-07T16:29:00.002-05:00

So I had this nice little blurb all written up and then....blogger never fails to screw it all up by not being able to upload pics. Another year gone by and blogger still blows!

No more...

2009-01-05T15:22:00.001-05:00

I don't say "I love you"...
because when it's supposed to count it bears no weight.
because men never think with their hearts or OF yours.
because when presented with an opportunity with someone else they rarely pass it up.
because it's so much easier to lie and hope to get away with it than admit to a mistake and work through the consequences.
because when it is supposed to matter that word is so easily forgotten.
because when it's betrayed all the sweet things shared are nothing but empty words with no bearing.
because sooner or later you are guaranteed a heart break.
because it's never true if there is doubt and deception.

because it's the only way I thought to protect myself from heartbreak but ....
I'll let you in on a little secret...
It doesn't fucking work!

So, here's to starting a New Year with a hole in the heart and knot in the stomach but as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....and disillusioned.

Holidays UGH!

2008-12-22T12:19:00.001-05:00

I just don't know why everyone just loves the holidays. Usually about this time of year my stress level is well beyond manageable. This year, like most years I'm traveling for the holidays and though I should have things down pat by now I don't. It just seems like two days before the trip all is coming to a head. The flight leaves tomorrow evening and I have yet to pack. The dog still needs to be dropped off at the boarding facility. People need to be informed of all the appropriate emergency phone numbers. I probably won't have time to go see my horse before I head out. Bills are payed but the hold on the mail still has to be done. My father called me up at 6AM to verify the name on my passport - the same name he gave me 34 years ago! Come to find out this morning that my brand new work blackberry isn't habilitated for international travel therefore I more than likely won't be receiving calls or emails unless I trade it in for the international phone. In this day and age of globalization I just don't get why phones in this country are still so damn backwards. I have done about 10 minutes of real work. I have to run to a lunch meeting that will more than likely go into the afternoon. Did I mention I haven't packed yet? And I don't even know what the weather at destination is going to be like. I have to run home to finish shoveling the foot of snow in my driveway and get ready for a Christmas party. I think I need a breather to remind myself of why I'm actually leaving, cuz it sure as hell doesn't sound like a holiday to me!

Pros:
I get to see my family that I miss so much (from a distance)
I have to get my new re-entry visa stamped in my passport so that I can actually leave the country at my leaisure
I get to see most of the people I went to school with - maybe a mini reunion!
I will be taking a ton of pics with my brand new Nikon D80
There is mango juice awaiting me in the fridge
I will be SCUBA diving for New Year's
I'll have time to read a book
Home comes with a cook, a maid and a gardner - for ten days I won't have to cook, clean or do laundry. Yay!
Dinner is served on the patio someone makes ME breakfast for a change
Mom and I are going to the SPA as a mutual Christmas gift.

Cons:
My family is a lot of work and extremely demanding
I am worried that my puppy will not be taken care of properly at the boarding facility
My father does not believe in sleeping in.
I have some serious decisions to make that will radically effect the status quo and I'm not sure I'm ready for it.
I'm not in the mood to hear my parents tell me again that I need to lose weight...I know I do! Ugh!
They say, when the cat's away the mice will play and I suspect that is applicable to the DQ.
I will be out of touch for a while and it's an odd feeling as I fear no one will miss me.
There is no good beer to be found.
I can't get my daily DQ fix.
Dad will surely try to talk me into packing my bags and going to work for him for the opportunity of a lifetime.
There is a likelihood that my re-entry into the US will be denied but I'll spare you the details.

So Cherry Mistmas to all!
Brace yourself because with the New Year comes new resolutions!

Icelandic Infinity

2008-12-15T14:10:00.007-05:00

Friday morning I woke up to this...

....this....

....this....and...

....this...

Following with the winter wonderland scenario and crystal trees came came disaster and destruction that translated into four long days without electricity. Certainly not the first time I experience long power outages given the many third world countries I've lived in. However, in this part of the world this time of the year no power also means no heat. With outdoor temperatures in the teens, by Friday afternoon the thermostat was reading 42 degrees in my house. Bundled up like an Eskimo and without a long term plan figuring that living on a much traveled road would give me the advantage of a short lived outage, I made my way to work. Today is day four of this ordeal that is beginning to seem interminable. Since with every experience comes a lesson here is what I've learned so far;

*Being cold for extended periods of time is exhausting.

*Constantly feeling sudden urges to sleep and not having anywhere to crash for a quick nap is as close as it gets to desperation.

*Never take your morning constitutional hot cup of coffee for granted.

*Inch thick ice on your windshield can cause it to crack.

* Generators weigh more than I do and helping unload them from the back of a truck can send unbearable pain shooting up your back.

*In times of critical situations that involve the masses, people become self absorbed. They tend to their needs first and then those of the people they care for the most, making it very easy for you to determine where you stand on their priority list.

* Pyrex glass isn't tempered for heating water with a blow torch.

* I'd rather be miserable and cold than shop for gifts the weekend before the holidays if the Mall is the only place with power and heat.

* It's best to know how to take care of yourself in tough situations, because relying on others can be disappointing.

* People who truly love you aren't the ones that nonchalantly offer to help, they are the ones that don their work gloves and shitty clothes and just show up to "check on you" despite not being asked.

* Pumping 240 volts from a generator into your switchbox can cause an electrical fire.

* Those friends with the ability to whip up a warm meal in no time and offer you a warm place to shelter are truly a godsend.

* Gas pumps don't work if there is no power.

* I'm overwhelmed and I'd like a hug.

* There is no sense in standing around waiting for the power to come back or snuggling under a blanket reading a book when there are so many others you could be helping and trees that need clearing. I just don't get some people!

* Being a refugee seeking out asylum and living out of a duffle bag day to day is physically and mentally taxing.

* They say never to lose hope, but after four days of nothing but that it's hard to stay positive.

* There is nothing more I want than 20 minutes of silence and warmth and maybe a full night's sleep.

* No matter how little, how old, how messy or decrepit, there is just no place like home!!

Knowing you - Knowing me

2008-12-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

"I know you!"
"I know you like the back of my hand!"
"I know you like the inside of my pockets."

How many times have I heard that..."I know you...." Really you know me? What I want to rebut is; let's see if you know me and how well you know me.

Do you know how I take my coffee?
Do you you know the name of my alter-ego?
What color are my eyes?
Have I ever worn braces?
Can you name one thing I don't eat?
What is one of my pet peeves?
Who do I miss the most?
What side is my dimple on?
What's my favorite color?
What makes me cry?
How did I get my scar?
How many languages do I speak?
Where have I always dreamt of going?
What kind of music do I listen to?
What song do I know every word to?
Where do I call home?
What is my favorite color?
What did I dream of being when I grew up?
Where was I born?
What is my least favorite chore?
Do I believe in God?
What do I look forward to every day?
Can I clean my own fish?
Have I ever tried egg nog?
What makes me so angry I can't see straight?
Have I ever been to Paris?
Have I ever seen the Manneken Pis of Brussells or the Great Wall of China?
What is the first language I learned to speak and have since forgotten?
What is my most cherished possession?
What is the worst gift I've ever gotten?
How much do I love my animals?
Do I know a lot of jokes?
What is the best gift I've ever gotten?
Am I a daddy's girl or a mamma's girl?
What are my vices?
Have I colored my hair?
What is my favorite pass time?
What are some of my hobbies?
Do I hold a grudge?
What do I do well that I wish I could do way better?
What is my biggest downfall?
Do I love anyone in particular?
Happy drunk or belligerent?
In a house fire, what is the only thing I'd try to save?
Am I naughty or nice?

This is just the beginning. I guess if you can answer 90% of them, well maybe you are closer than I realize. However, most of these questions I can't even answer myself. So how is it that 'you know me' and I don't?

My pledge...

2008-12-01T15:13:00.002-05:00

I really like this guy but unfortunately he's broken.
Something in his past, present, future or DNA make up makes him incapable of being monogamous.
Plagued by the "grass is greener in someone else's yard" syndrome he eventually grazes.
Like an impatient hunter who dreams of the ultimate kill, as the season dwindles to a finish he eventually contents himself with whatever takes the bait.
I may be lacking in trust, but he's already cast his line in water inhabited by a voracious being.
Should she take the lure he'll surely find himself in deep water and miles from the shore.
For as hurtful as it would be and as much as I'd miss him, I'm not tossing a lifeline.
If he were to slip even a little I will follow suit and walk right out of his life forever without looking back.

That's a promise - not a threat.

Genus: Alpha Loser

2008-11-28T14:50:00.001-05:00

I'm told I have lots of unique qualities for a girl that make me quite appealing to men. I'm not very uptight. I'm moderately moody. I have a sharp tongue but I don't talk a lot. I'm very independent and extremely low maintenance. I make a good living and don't expect anyone to support me. And, I clean up decently. Of course, the fact that I work in a predominantly male driven industry doesn't hurt either. All in all these seem like good qualities. What man doesn't want a woman that can be a woman and one that is also 'just one of the guys'. Seems like a pretty simple equation until, leave it to me, it results in disaster. Ah yes, because all these attributes put together have invariably and perpetually made me a magnet for losers. That's right! In a room full of men, it's never the Brad Pitt look alike that will approach me. Nor is it ever Michael Phelp's body double or the Donald Trump-esque bank account holder that will start a conversation. No! In a room full of men my mere presence will invariably manage to intrigue the alpha loser of the group. Ask anyone. If there is a Quasimodo lookalike in the vicinity, sure as flies on shit, I'm his Esmeralda. It just never fails!

By passing the internet stalker I have acquired in the last few months that signs his ridiculous emails to my work account as JZ, as if we know each other, here are a few excerpts from my latest encounters this past month alone.

Location: Industry Trade Show
Scenario: Showcase of products to prospective accounts. Our table, tastefully decorated, and placed among products of the same category.
The table next to us, a distinct yet somewhat older man peddling imported products that are all the rage lately. He introduces himself as Steve, President of Global Imports. The show is pretty busy yet at every slow moment Steve finds the time to come over to our table for a quick chat and a trade. Well, we are the only two ladies in the area so it may even be normal. At clean up time my co-workers abandons me for no more than a few minutes to use the bathroom. I look up from my chores and there is Steve, perched at the corner of our table like a hawk.

Me: Hey Steve! Didn't see ya there!
Steve: Oh, well I saw you!
Me: ......
Steve: So, I'm thinking I'm gonna drive back to headquarters.
Me: Wow, that's a four hour drive. Yuck!
Steve: Yeah but I got some things to do in the office tomorrow morning.
Me: Well, good for you. (bla bla bla...small talk...small talk...small talk)
Steve: Sooo...are you married?
Me: (Wow...WTF, where did that come from??) Umm, no. Not married.
Steve: Why is a girl like you not married?
Me: (And how exactly do you answer a question like that?!) I don't know, I guess I'm difficult.
Steve: Oh. Well, we should get together sometime - I love difficult women. Here is my card.
Me: (Oh shit! I should've seen it coming! Naive as usual! Ugh!) Oh...um...yeah....(Someone save me from this awkwardness please God!)

Lucky for me, my co-worker returns at that moment. I'm generally pretty witty and know how to behave in all situations. Yet, so totally unprepared for these occurances I'm later coached by her;

Co-Worker: Girlfriend! You should've said yes, I'm married.
Me: Well, shit I was minding my own business how did I know he was gonna ask something like that. Plus I don't wear any jewelry - he wouldn't have bought it.
Co-Worker: Well, you tell him you are married but your husband is too cheap to buy you a ring. However, since he's hung like a horse, it's OK by you.
Me: (Laughing my ass off) Shame on you! You are a grandmother! You can't say things like that!

Location: Office
Scenario: Signing product out of the warehouse. I run into my coworker Dan that I rarely see because he covers a territory far-far away.

Dan: Hey Ed! I hear you are breaking hearts all over the place.
Me: Hey Dan! Huh? I have no idea what you are spewing.
Dan: Yeah! I got a phone call from Dave, the sales guy for our distributor in XYZ state. He said Mike saw you in the warehouse the other day and just has to know who you are.
Me: Who the hell is Mike? And in the warehouse - huh? I don't remember talking to anyone in the warehouse let alone a sales guy.
Dan: No, Dave is the sales guy. Mike is the truck driver.
Me: Figures that Mike is a truck driver.
Dan: What do you mean?
Me: Well with my luck he's also 40+, rarely showers and chews tobacco. Yet another winner!
Dan: Oh come on! Truck drivers do very well for themselves.

Location: Out on the town
Scenario: Work related evening of entertaining a bus load of our top accounts. After a night of way too many alcoholic beverages and more come-ons that I care to recall the finale occurs in a bar while ordering a round of night caps as i continously will the clock to move faster.

Jason: (Leans over and slurs) So, what do you say you and I blow this joint and hook up later.
Me: I say thanks, but no thanks. (Not like he's even going to remember my answers.)
Jason: Oh come on. I could come over to your place and we could make mad love.
Me: (Who the phuck even says shit like this???) No I don't think so. I'm not interested.
Jason: Well, I'm interested. You are a hotty. (Still slurring speech). You don't mind me saying that do you?
Me: Well thanks for the compliment. And can I also kindly suggest you remove your hand from my thigh, unless you don't mind losing it.
Jason: Oh, you are a feisty girl! I like that! Man I could make some crazy love to you. What do you say I come over after this?
Me: (I would say it's a good thing this guy was a customer, and the fact that I didn't want to lose my job may have contributed to save his ego). I don't think that is ever going to happen. You aren't my type. And if you insist, I'm going to have to call in a mob hit.

Seriously! What is it about me that attracts all these outstanding specimens of the opposite sex? Then again, I wonder if it is just me that gets approached this way or if this is the norm. Maybe some men do approach women with the "how about I rip you open like a two dollar suitcase" innuendos and maybe women acquiesce and rebut with equally explicit sexual promises. Maybe for some people finding a mate is a bit like gambling, if skip all the courtship you ask enough women to hop in bed with you, you are bound to find a few that will comply. I'm not that desperate and my interactions above surely explain why I generally try not to be very visible.

Thanks

2008-11-25T13:41:00.003-05:00

Maybe because every year that goes by I hope that the holidays will cheer me up and instead I seem to lose more and more of the holiday spirit. Maybe because Thanksgiving is a borrowed holiday as it's not part of my heritage or tradition. Maybe because I liked the meme and I don't think Just Run is going to mind me giving it a shot. Maybe because it's a rainy day and we keep losing power and I need something to pass the time with.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving Tradition?

Thanksgiving is tough for me as a holiday. Not only is much of a borrowed holiday as we don't celebrate it where I come from, I don't have any family to celebrate it with. It's always heart breaking to see everyone frenzied by meal preparations and gearing up for the travels. It's almost like they get a spark in their eye. And then the dreaded question of "So, what are YOU doing for Thanksgiving??" and the ensuing "Uuuuhs and aaaahs" of pity for the perpetual holiday orphan. Yeah in a way I envy those who have families willing to share in the holiday cheer even if it is may not be your very own family but that of your significant other. Yeah you'd be the outsider but at least you wouldn't be alone.

Anyway, my favorite and only Thanksgiving tradition is that I have the good fortune of having an old friend that has adopted me for this holiday. I met Deb in Grand School and we became fast friends despite our age difference. She was always intrigued by my travels and my background. She's among the smartest and most successful women I know. Her husband Bob is a saint. I have keys to their humongous house where I'd stay when they were away for work or vacation. Since school our lives have taken us separate ways and we don't see much of each other but thanksgiving is a must! She cooks a full turkey dinner from scratch. I bring the wine and the poinsettia. It takes her all day to make the meal and 15 minutes for us to consume it. We play pool in her rec room. We watch football and nap on the couch. For this holiday Bob and Deb are my family and I am blessed.

What’s your favorite food to eat at Thanksgiving?

Yams! It's the only time of year I get to eat them since I don't know how to make them nor do I want to know how much butter and brown sugar is in the recipe. I love yams! Deb makes them just for me!

Does your family have a kids’ table?

Nope! Bob and Deb have no kids unless you count the 3 dogs. So it's adults acting like kids.

Is there one thing you wish no one would ever bring to Thanksgiving?

Deb's dad's overly chatty know it all annoying girlfriend - who he recently dumped and she won't be there this year! Yeah! Who knew that older men in monogamous relationships had drama and the gumption to break up with a woman. I thought once you hit a certain age you just stuck it out. What do I know??

Fondest Thanksgiving Memory:

My first Thanksgiving. I had a childhood friend come and visit me. We were both in school at the time. Her family also lives overseas. We made a turkey dinner and went to the movies while the turkey cooked. We watched the "Grinch Stole Christmas". When we got home the turkey was ready. It was the best (and only) turkey I've ever made. We drank way too much wine and giggled and told stories of our childhood until the wee hours of the morning.

What are you most thankful for this year?

That my brother still has a job despite the annihilation of the banks.
That my parents are both healthy and love each other.
That I found a job I love.
That my best friend is expecting the child she so wanted.

Mind Blowing

2008-11-24T08:02:00.004-05:00

The brain works in a strange strange way. They say that throughout your day it perceives subtleties and stores them in some secret space in your head. And then at night, it somehow connects the dots and spews out these things in the form of a dream. They also say that if you pay attention to these dreams they generally have some sort of significance. Well, that's what they say. Though I would certainly love an explanation of why in the past month or so my ex has appeared in my dreams as the main character. Now, if we actually had any kind of contact it may even make some sense. However, we haven't spoken in five years; we have absolutely no interaction; I don't really own anything of his anymore; there are no pictures of him around; I haven't even thought of him in years!

I guess if it were in passing then eh, one could chalk it up as your mind regurgitating some of your past to make room for some new stuff. A little like late spring cleaning. However it hasn't been in passing. If I were to keep count, I'd say that in the past month he's been appearing in my dreams about three times a week. The only exception being last week where he didn't appear at all. He must've been busy bugging someone else or maybe I was just serene or too tired to dream.

So I've been through the stages of annoyance thinking that he's been out of my life for half a decade and that's how I like it, why must he spoil it now? Then as the dreams continued I crossed the line of sanity and began to wonder if two people are connected somehow and maybe he's in some kind of trouble. Finally regaining my mental stability I figured the only explanation is the my subconscious is trying to tell me something and picking the most poignant way of doing it since I usually wake up in a foul mood.

And then as I try to analyze the dreams to interpret what in hell I could be trying to tell myself I think back to last night and all I can see is snippets of us in frozen alaskan desolation; a ski doo with the motor running; a helicopter coming over a snow covered hill and getting stuck in the trees as we run for cover; us trying to leave this frozen land and not having a plan; me attempting to park my truck in a tight space and him smiling along side my brother and shaking his head; jumping into a warm swimming pool and having a hard time resurfacing. None of this makes any sense to me at all. I don't see a reason for him to spoil my night's sleep so we can tromp though glaciers and nearly drown in a pool. None of these images have any significance to me nor do they spell out any poignant message.

As I sit here with my hot coffee troubled by this disturbance and seeing no definite lead, I'm prone to revert to my first conclusion that I've finally lost my mind and it's only perceptible while I'm in my incognitive state. So there you have it, I have officially lost my mind!

Wishing for the Weekend

2008-11-12T14:23:00.003-05:00

OMG where have these two weeks gone? I have so much to tell yet no time to sit and type. In fact I've just been so busy at work with deadlines that it's all been a blur and compounded into stress that has manifested in a stiff neck and the inability to sleep through an entire night. To expunge it all I need a visit to my chiropractor, an hour long massage and a couple of martinis. The weekend can't get here soon enough because, though I won't get in to see my chiropractor until next week, and I don't know anyone willing to give me a back rub I do have tickets to the NBA basketball game on Friday night that I'm so totally looking forward to. I love going to sporting events. Not a big fan of watching them on TV as I just don't have the time or the ability to sit still that long. The whole experience of an arena or stadium though is just magical. So I'll be there at toss up eating hot dogs and sipping bad beers. As for the martinis, seeing that I gave into a friend's insistent request to be her date at some charity event. Not to psyched to go as I dread the DJ style scratch music, having to dress up and rubbing elbows with the elite. However the food seems promising and the martinis will be flowing. It's really all about how you look at the glass and mine will definitely be on the empty.